


Something Missing

by der_tanzer



Series: Lost and Found [1]
Category: Riptide (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-21
Updated: 2010-05-21
Packaged: 2017-10-09 15:17:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 37,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/der_tanzer/pseuds/der_tanzer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Murray disappears, but even when he returns home, part of him may be gone for good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Someone Missing

**Author's Note:**

> Very dark, ugly, icky, squicky and sad. For the strong of heart and stomach only. In fact, you probably shouldn't read it at all. Stop now while there's still time.

No one noticed right away that Murray was missing. He went to the library to do some research and never came home, but it took Nick and Cody a long time to realize it. Boz always got distracted at the library, going for one thing and then wandering through the stacks, looking at everything that caught his attention. And that was pretty much everything. Even at suppertime they assumed that he was still reading and ate without him. It was nine o'clock when Cody finally looked at his watch and turned down the volume on the TV.

"Hey, Nick, doesn't the library close at eight?"

"I don't know, does it? Hey, where's Murray?"

"That's what I'm wondering. Did he say he was going anywhere else?"

"No. Why don't we take a ride over there and see if the Jimmy's in the lot? He might have decided to stop and eat on the way home, too. We might spot it along the way, at Straightaway's or someplace."

"Sure." But Cody sounded unconvinced. Murray never thought about food when he was reading and he'd have been in a hurry to get home after closing to carry on. He should have been back and that was all there was to it.

They locked the boat and went silently up the gangway to Nick's car. Nick drove slowly through town, swinging by the restaurant, the electronics store, and the bookstore that stayed open late on Fridays. The Jimmy wasn't outside any of them and it was with reluctance that he finally turned toward the library. If Murray wasn't there, he wasn't anywhere, and Nick wasn't in a hurry to find that out.

"There it is," Cody said quietly. "But the library's closed. Did he go to the john and get locked in?"

"Somehow I doubt it. You check out the car. I'm gonna call Quinlan and see if he'll give us a hand."

"At nine-thirty on a Friday night?"

"If you have any better ideas, I'm wide open."

Somehow Nick had come to have Quinlan's home number and he called from the payphone by the library entrance. The lieutenant wasn't thrilled to hear from him but he had to admit that the geek was predictable in both his habits and his ability to get into trouble. A few months ago it had been _one down and two to go_ but now, though he would never admit it, Bozinsky was something of a pet to the gruff cop and he agreed to come by and check it out.

"Nick, come here," Cody called.

"What've you got?"

"A bunch of books and Murray's keys. Whatever happened to him happened after he got to the car and before he got it started."

"Someone was waiting for him."

"That's what I'm thinking. But who? Who's got a grudge against Boz?"

"It could be anyone. He's got rivals all over the place and a few real enemies. Litvak, that guy Kamal's brother…"

"They're both in prison."

"They'd still know people on the outside." Nick snapped his fingers suddenly, a look of understanding flooding his eyes. "Russell Todd. He said he was going to get us, remember?"

"The coke dealer? Is he out?"

"He might be. He blamed Murray for tracking him down and all of us for getting his son killed."

"Yeah, that guy's bad news," Cody said.

"And he won't settle for Murray if he can help it. He'll use the little guy for bait and get us all."

"Well, maybe it's not him. Maybe it's nothing, you know? He could have had trouble with the car and, I don't know, walked somewhere."

"Because the phone I just used was too far away? Don't kid yourself, Cody. Someone took him."

"Shit. Why do we let him go anywhere alone?"

Quinlan asked that same question ten minutes later. He told them Russell Todd had escaped during transport to the state prison, supporting their conclusion without coming right out and saying so.

"We'll dust the car for prints and see what comes up. In the meantime you two jokers get back to your boat and wait for a phone call."

"A phone call?" Nick repeated.

"Yeah, from the guy who's holding Bozinsky. Don't you think he's going to be setting a trap for you two? How are you gonna walk into it if you don't know where it is?"

"Shit," Cody said again.

"That's right. Now go home and wait for the call. I'll get the crime scene investigators on this and let you know what turns up. But they won't find much before sunup."

It was with heavy hearts and dragging feet that Nick and Cody climbed into the 'Vette, getting out of the way of the police cars that were beginning to arrive.

"They won't hurt him until they get us, right?" Cody asked.

"They won't kill him until they get us," Nick said darkly.

"Then I'm thinking the sooner they get us the better."

"Buddy, you're reading my mail."

***

Murray hadn't guessed that something was really wrong when the Jimmy didn't start, he just assumed it was a loose connection or something. He got out, torn between fiddling around under the hood and calling his friends for help, and in that moment of indecision, a big black car cruised up and he was pulled inside. It happened so fast that later he wouldn't even be able to remember how. All he knew was that it was dark inside the car and the men who filled it would be hard to handle. He tried to be indignant, demanded to be released, told them they had no right, and was slapped hard across the mouth for his trouble. Someone took his glasses, someone else punched him in the stomach, and Murray shrank back into himself. In his head were two thoughts: that Nick and Cody might already be where he was going, and that if they weren't, they would come find him. Either way, he'd be okay. Eventually.

The black car drove straight out into the desert, which was just beach without the ocean. It was like space, in a way. No one would hear him scream. Murray's head was a tangle of references and allusions, from _Alien_ to _Beachworld_, which Cody had recently forbidden him to read again. Also _Survivor Type_. But now he couldn't get them out of his mind. After a long time he asked where they were going and was answered with a blow to his narrow chest. They were under orders not to mess up his face too much. He had to be recognizable, even in pictures. But the rest of his skinny body was fair game.

"My friends will come for me," he said, hunching his shoulders and steeling himself for reprisal. But this time there was only laughter.

"Of course they will. You'll bring them to us and we'll kill them. That's the point."

"It—it is?"

"That's right. All you have to do is call and tell them where to go. After you do that, we will release you."

"And if I don't?"

"You will."

Murray tightened his face, trying to cloud his eyes the way Nick did when he didn't want anyone to know what he was thinking. He knew he was the transparent one, that he'd never fooled anyone about anything for long (couldn't fool his mother on the fooling-est day of his life if he had an electrified fooling machine) and expected the task ahead to be simply awful. When they knew what he was doing, when they really understood that he _could_ do it, they would probably kill him. But that was okay. He would rather die than get his friends killed. He only hoped it wouldn't take too long. The speaker kept lighting cigars with an elaborate silver Zippo and he knew it was a tactic designed to unnerve him. Furthermore, it was working.

The car stopped outside a house that seemed terribly out of place in the middle of the desert. Three men got out, dragging Murray between them, while the fourth moved the car to a nearby barn. Murray tried to look around and someone hit him again, a glancing blow to the corner of the eye, where he was much more accustomed to being kissed. He couldn't see much anyway and now his eye was watering, blinding him with hot tears. They propelled him through the door, across a warped wooden floor and then shoved him, unassisted, down a flight of stairs. His arms went automatically to his head, protecting himself a little as he rolled to the bottom. His thin body fetched up against a pair of sturdy legs. One of them drew back and dealt him a kick to the thigh that cramped his leg from his hip to the sole of his foot and Murray cried out for the first time. He rolled over, gripping the hurt place, and received a sharp kick in the spine that took his breath away. Time stopped for a while as he lay on the floor, feeling cold concrete and unbearable pain. When it started again people were picking him up, setting him in a chair, taking away his shirts and jacket.

"Do you know who I am, Dr. Bozinsky?" asked a deceptively smooth voice. He squinted in the dim light but could see only a pale blur.

"No," he said quietly, cringing from the expected blow. It didn't come.

"Really? You don't recognize me?"

"I can't see that well. Are you a criminal? Are you punishing me because you got what you deserved?" Someone did hit him then, rocking his head back into the stone wall. He saw stars.

"Your friends killed my son."

"Who—?" Again he was slapped, again his head hit the wall, and this time his mind didn't clear so fast.

"Who? My _son_, Larry Todd. Your friends shot him. The police were there, he was going to be arrested, but that wasn't good enough. They had to shoot him anyway."

"No," Murray said thickly, his brain beginning to work again. "I shot Larry. It was my bullet that killed him."

"Bullshit. Now here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you a set of directions, and you're going to call your friends and tell them to meet you there."

"You tell them," he spat defiantly and was rewarded with a short jab to the chest that felt like it collapsed a lung. He heard something snap and suddenly it was hard to breathe.

"They won't come for me. They need to hear your voice and know that you'll be there. Come, doctor, you know how this works." The smooth voiced man dialed a phone and strong hands came down on Murray's shoulders, holding him in his seat.

"To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?" Todd asked when the phone was answered. "Ah, Mr. Ryder. I have someone who'd like to speak to you."

But when he held the receiver to Murray's ear, the thin man turned away. Another pair of hands gripped his head, holding him still so he could hear Nick's frantic voice. Someone put his glasses back on him and held a piece of paper in front of his face.

"Tell him where to go, Dr. Bozinsky," the smooth man said.

"No," Murray said fiercely. "I've got nothing to say."

"You will die, you know," the smooth man said, loudly enough for Nick to hear.

"Then I'll die."

"Murray, no," Nick was shouting. "Where are you? We'll come, just tell me where."

"No," he said again, his voice strong. Someone punched him and Nick heard both the blow landing and Murray trying not to cry out. "Nick, it's Todd. Don't come."

The receiver was yanked away and Russell Todd gave Nick a message.

"We're going to keep hurting him until he gives you the directions. If he doesn't, he'll die. We'll work on him a little more and give you a call in the morning. I recommend you don't miss it." He hung up and put the phone aside.

"I'm afraid it's going to be a long night, doctor."

Nick dropped the phone and buried his face in his hands for a moment. Cody gave him time to breathe, then put an arm around him and asked what happened.

"They're making Murray give the directions for the meeting place, only he won't."

"Who won't what?"

"Murray. He wouldn't tell me where. He doesn't want us to come."

"Oh _shit_. Why's he doing that?"

"Hard telling. So we don't get killed, maybe. I don't know how his wacky scientific mind works." The sarcasm was thick but Cody let it slide.

"Yeah, but how are we going to rescue him if he won't tell us where he is?"

"The old fashioned way. We have to find him. Look, the odds are he wouldn't even be at the meeting place. They wouldn't want to take a chance on losing him if we showed up and overpowered them."

"Right, right," Cody said, starting to get excited. "They'd keep him hidden somewhere so they'd have a chip, no matter what."

"Exactly. This thing with him giving the directions is just so we know he's still alive. Todd's not stupid, he knows we'll show if there's any hope at all."

"Yeah. The problem is, so does Murray. We have to find him real fast."

"So how do we start?" Nick asked, catching the excitement.

"Call Quinlan? Maybe he has something on the car. And we need to tell him that we've heard from Murray, anyway."

Quinlan had a librarian who wasn't pleased about being dragged out of bed in the middle of the night, but had seen that sweet Dr. Bozinsky get into a big, dark car. She had a description of the car and two of the men that fit with Todd's known associates and that helped a little. But while the police were running down the registration on the car and last known addresses for Todd's few remaining associates on the outside, things were getting hard for Murray.

The basement was cold and, after the phone call, they took away the rest of his clothes. Blind and shivering, he was tied to the chair and left alone to feel his wounds for a while. Murray used the time to think about his friends, to hope that they weren't looking for him, even as he wished they were. He hoped no one knew the truth, but he feared they did. If these men knew that they were more than friends, that Nick and Cody were his lovers, they would use it against him in ways he didn't want to imagine. He pulled experimentally at the ropes, thinking that if he couldn't escape, and in the desert he probably couldn't get far, he could at least kill himself and save the guys that way. It would be hard on them, of course. They might even blame themselves for not getting to him in time, but they would get over it. They would still have each other. Murray wanted to leave them that. But the ropes were well tied and his options diminished as the skin chafed off his wrists and ankles. He would just have to be strong.

At some point he must have dozed off, or perhaps lost consciousness, because the next thing he knew the men were back, waking him up. Russell Todd pulled out the silver Zippo and lit a cigar.

***

On board the _Riptide_ no one slept well. Cody was up at sunrise making coffee in the salon when he spotted the envelope on the deck just inside the door.

"Hey, Nick," he called, surprised by how calm his voice was. "Come up here."

"What is it?"

"Get me a pair of gloves," he said, pointing at the envelope. Nick found two pairs of latex gloves and gave one to Cody, who picked up the envelope. Inside was a note and half a dozen Polaroids. Each photo was a close up of the skinny body they knew so well, showing some new damage. The first, of Murray's face, wasn't so bad. A little bruised and very scared but not broken or disfigured. But it got worse after that. A constellation of circular burns, each about a half inch in diameter, on his inner thigh. Another under one arm and a cluster on the sole of one slender foot. And other things. Things that they couldn't bring themselves to look at long enough to understand.

"Jesus God," Cody murmured, and Nick crossed himself.

The note said _We haven't convinced him to talk yet_.

"We're going to have to," Nick said flatly.

"Have to what?"

"Make him talk. He'll call again today, right? We have to make him tell, before this gets worse."

"But—he thinks he's protecting us. He won't go against that."

"He won't want to, but it's Murray. He always does what we say."

"Nick, this is too much. If we twist his mind around enough to make him betray us, which is what he'll think he's doing, on top of—all this," he said, with an angry gesture at the evil photos, "what's that going to do to him? What are we going to get back?"

"Murray," Nick said firmly. "We'll worry about his head after we've got his body someplace safe."

***

When the next call came, they were ready. The police were there with their tapping equipment and Nick had a script to play out. But he almost blew it all when he heard Murray on the phone, the pain and fear in his small voice making the pictures real in a whole new way.

"Murray, you have to tell me where you are," Nick said firmly. He looked around at the listening officers, at Quinlan, who didn't like him, and the equipment that recorded his every word. But this was more important.

"The directions they gave me aren't to where I am," Murray said and moaned when someone hit him again. "I'm in the desert and they're sending you to the woods. Don't go." Another blow landed and he moaned more loudly this time.

"That doesn't matter, Boz," Nick said, struggling to keep his voice level. "Just tell me what they want. Please, it's okay."

"It's a trap."

"I know that. Listen to me, Murray. I love you, okay? And Cody loves you. More than anything. You know that right?" He heard a small gasp and knew the words had hit their mark.

"Yes, I know."

"So you have to trust us. If you love us as much as we love you, you'll trust us. Okay, Boz?"

"Nick, don't say those things. You don't understand. You don't know what they…"

"Murray, trust me. Tell me where they want us to go. If you love us, you'll do that."

"Nick, no. Please, hang up now. Stop talking and hang up right now."

But the call trace took time and it wasn't finished yet.

"I can't do that, babe. You have to tell me. It's what they want, it's what I want, it's the only way to save yourself. Don't worry about the rest, just tell me where to go."

On the other end of the line, Murray took a deep breath and said the only thing he could think of.

"I know you're keeping me on the line so you can trace the call. Hang up and forget me, Nick. Hang up right now."

Russell Todd jerked the phone away from Murray's drooping head and slammed the receiver down.

"What the fuck was that?" Cody asked as the line went dead. "Why'd he sell us out?"

"It doesn't matter, guys," the technician said. "We got it."

"Great," Quinlan said, clapping his hands enthusiastically. "He said in the desert. Do you have an address?"

"Yep. You'll need choppers if you want to get out there in under three hours, though."

"That's what the airport's for. You boys coming?"

Nick and Cody followed the crush of police personnel off the boat and got into Quinlan's car, shoulder to shoulder in the back seat. Cody was still confused and Nick looked more deeply frightened than ever. Quinlan was a little disgusted but he felt a sort of pity for them and what they were going to find in the desert.

"I still don't understand," Cody said quietly. "If he knew we were tracing the call, he had to know we'd come. Why'd he blow it like that?"

"I thought you went to college, Allen."

"What?"

"Your fly boy buddy was fucking him over," Quinlan said patiently.

"How's that?" Nick asked, surprised to find himself capable of even more fear as the tension cranked up another notch.

"All that lovey dovey crappola. Those guys woulda been listening and you as much as told them he's a fairy. He was trying to shut you up before you gave them too many new ideas."

That wasn't precisely right but it was close enough.

"Oh. Oh, Jesus," Nick groaned, covering his face again.

"That's right. And if he's still alive when they all get done taking their turns, he'll know who to blame."

"That's enough," Cody said quietly, sliding his arm around Nick's waist. "It's Russell Todd's fault, no matter how it turns out. He's the bad guy, here."

"He's right, though," Nick whispered. "Of course they were listening. I was so busy twisting Murray, I didn't even think of that. He tried to tell me and I wasn't listening. I never listen to him."

"That's not true. Nick, stop it. We're going to fly out there and get him and it'll be okay."

Quinlan glanced in the mirror and caught Cody's eyes. There was reproach in the lieutenant's narrow eyes but he said nothing. They rode the rest of the way to the airport in silence.

***

"They didn't have time to trace it, Russell."

"You don't know that. We need to finish up and get out of here before the cavalry rides in."

"What about the geek? Are we gonna kill him or take him along?"

"Neither. Leave him here. If he's still alive when they get here, they can have him."

"Are you crazy?"

"Look at it this way. I wanted to make their lives hell before they died. Give them back their little boyfriend in that condition, and mission accomplished. He'll never forgive them and they'll never forgive themselves. Besides, I can always pick them off later. Just let the guys work him over a little more before we go. Tell them they have thirty minutes and he doesn't have to survive."

When they left the house it was empty, save one still body on the basement floor. They headed into the desert, knowing the cops would be coming from the other direction and that there were plenty of ways out. Even if they had to run all the way to Nevada, they'd make it. But they weren't counting on helicopters.

An hour later, the police chopper carrying Nick and Cody set down by the house as two others went off after the sand trail. From the house it could no longer be seen but from the air it was like an arrow pointing the way. Nick watched them flying east and wished it were him, wished it were a gunship so he could blow things up. Wished he didn't have to go inside and face what he'd done. Then Cody was following Quinlan to the door and he ran after them. He had to get to Murray and start making it right. Whatever it was, whatever it took, he had to get started right now. Behind him MedEvac was landing, and another group of cops, and in front of him Quinlan was kicking down doors. When he got to the basement he stopped at the top of the stairs and grabbed Cody.

"Get the medics and send them down here," he said, low and harsh. "Right now." Quinlan ran down the stairs, Nick close on his heels. They could see Murray at the bottom, sprawled on the floor, naked and covered with blood. Nick stumbled over to him and went to his knees, reaching for the thin body and then afraid to touch.

"Is he alive?" he whispered as Quinlan felt for a pulse.

"Barely. Maybe you better get out of here."

Nick shook his head shortly. Steeling himself, he slid his hands under Murray's head and lifted it off the cold concrete. There was a soft moan and the wide brown eyes fluttered open.

"Hey, Murray. It's me. It's Nick. You're gonna be okay."

A flash of tension ran up the prone body and he moaned again. Somehow he managed to flinch out of Nick's hands and Quinlan caught him before he could bang his head again.

"Easy, kid," he murmured. "We're gonna get you out of here. Just hang on."

Nick tried to touch him again but Murray kept twitching and flinching, as if to get away. Before Nick had time to figure it out, Cody was there and the medics were pushing them both aside.

"Good God of mercy," Cody whispered. "What did they do to him?"

"I don't know. A lot. I think he knew me but—he acted like he was scared."

"Of course he's scared, look at him."

"No, of me. He blames me, I know he does."

"Stop thinking about yourself, Nick. It doesn't matter right now who he blames."

They stood and watched, holding each other up, while Murray was wrapped in blankets and lifted onto a stretcher. Someone was taking pictures, flashbulbs popping, and he groaned without opening his eyes. Needles pierced his skin and he groaned again, softly, as if that didn't hurt as much.

Murray knew people were there, knew they were trying to help him, but he didn't want their help. He didn't want to be examined and discussed and he didn't want to face a future where he was _that guy_. Most of all, he didn't want his friends to know that he was _that guy_. That was the real reason he had tried to screw up their trace. Not because Nick's words would get him raped, that had already happened; but because he couldn't bear to hear words of love, knowing the speaker would retract them and reject him when he knew. Knowing that he deserved to be rejected. He felt that he could survive if he had to, but he wanted to do it alone. He wanted to never look upon another human face and when his eyelids were pried open, he did his best to roll his eyes back and see nothing.


	2. Not Your Angel

Cody rode with him in the MedEvac and Nick waited to go back with Quinlan. It wasn't a trip he was looking forward to but only one of them was allowed in the other chopper and Murray's reaction had left him feeling guilty and unwanted. Although sitting on the porch, smoking cigarettes bummed from a cop, he wasn't sure it was possible to feel more guilty. He wasn't even supposed to smoke.

"There you are," Quinlan said, coming out the door. "They found a bunch more pictures. Probably meant to send them to you if they had time."

"I'm not sure I want to hear this."

"The guys let their faces get into a few of them. That's good news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Everything else. They did about everything to that kid that they could think of."

"You're not gonna make me look, are you?"

"I wouldn't show you those photos if you asked."

Nick wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. He lit another cigarette and gave Quinlan the lighter when he held out his hand.

"Lieutenant, you've never been one to spare my feelings. Tell me the truth now. Is this my fault?"

"Some of it," he said readily.

"Thanks."

"You wanted to know. You got him involved with a bunch of criminals and you weren't around when they came for him. That's your fault. Him getting cornholed by about six different guys, that probably would have happened anyway. You didn't help but they would have gotten to it. Maybe already had, we don't know."

"It's gonna kill him," Nick said quietly. "He's so—shy. You've seen him, always wearing jeans on the beach, and his shirts buttoned up to his chin. The guy wears t-shirts under his pajamas."

"Really," Quinlan said, making him blush.

"Yeah, I know, you don't want to hear it."

"No, I don't. But when they catch those guys, and they will, there's gonna be a trial and it'll all come out there. If that kid has one secret left today, he won't by the time it's over."

"I can't even think about that right now. And I'd appreciate it if you don't remind Murray just yet, either."

"I'm gonna check with the boys downstairs and then we'll get out of here. I won't be talking to Bozinsky for a while, don't worry."

"Thanks." Nick got up and went over to talk to one of the pilots. Someone who didn't know Murray and hadn't been inside. He complimented the machine and they got eighty seconds of conversation out of it. Later Nick would look back on that as the high point of his day.

***

"There you are," Cody said, going to meet them as they walked into the waiting room.

"How's it going? Is he okay?"

"No. He's hurt pretty bad, Nick. He's up in surgery, I was just waiting for you here."

"Surgery? Why?"

"It looks like after he talked to you this morning, they just started taking him apart. Busted a bunch of ribs, tore up his guts. The doctor said something about resecting his liver. What the hell does that even mean?"

"Means take part of it out," Quinlan said shortly.

"Ah jeez," Cody sighed. "It didn't even take us that long to get there. How'd they—and why? Why not just run?"

"They didn't know we'd be bringing choppers," Quinlan said, grimly pleased. "They've all been caught, I got it over the radio fifteen minutes ago."

"Well, that's something."

"Yeah, it's great," Nick said, not sounding like he meant it. "Did he—was he ever awake? Did he talk to you?"

"That's the weird part. I know he was awake part of the time, he opened his eyes and—and once he was crying, but he wouldn't look at me or respond to anything that anyone said. He wasn't even interested in what they were doing to him."

"He wouldn't look at you?"

"No. Mostly he kept his eyes closed, even when he was conscious. It was on purpose, I know it was. Like he was dead or something. Nick, what are we going to do?"

"Whatever we have to. I told you before, we'll take care of his body and then we'll fix his head. As long as he's alive we can fix it."

Quinlan shook his head silently, wondering if either of them really believed that. If they really believed that wanting something was enough to make it so, they were even dumber than he'd thought.

"Better get up there and see," he said, striding toward the elevator. Nick and Cody followed, both thinking the same thing. Could a man be fixed after he'd been stripped of every trace of dignity and manhood? That was what the army tried to do, to a lesser extent: tear a man down and rebuild him. But this was different. It went way beyond tearing down, all the way to the destruction of the base material. Murray might not even be in there anymore.

Quinlan stayed with them until a doctor came and then moved a little apart while Nick and Cody spoke him. When the conference appeared to be over, Quinlan took the doctor aside to get his own information. Nick and Cody found chairs and sat side by side, Nick with his head in his hands, Cody staring at the ceiling, both trying to come to terms with things they had hardly dared to fear over the last twenty-four hours. Things they hadn't even thought of since the war, when stories were rampant about the POW camps. Murray had never even been in combat and somehow he'd managed to go through all of it and worse, right in his own backyard.

"He's gonna get over this," Nick said quietly. "No matter what it takes."

"Even if it means never trusting us again?"

"If he doesn't trust us then he's not over it."

"I don't think it works like that, Nick. He might just decide that we're not good for him and he might be right."

"Don't say that. We're gonna get him back like he was, no matter what, and don't you forget it."

Cody found himself thinking that maybe it would be better for both Nick and Murray if the little guy died on the table without waking up. Nick would take it hard. Hell, so would he. But Murray would be well out of it and Cody could convince Nick of the fact. But when he thought of the light that would go out of their lives, the pure beauty and joy that was Murray Bozinsky, his heart rebelled. He couldn't let it go. No matter what.

***

Nick and Cody went home late that night, making their way down the gangplank and aboard the _Riptide_ in near darkness. A voice on deck startled them and Nick drew his gun before he knew who it was.

"Hey, dude, don't shoot. I didn't touch a thing, I swear."

"What do you want, Dooley?" Cody sighed, unlocking the wheelhouse door.

"Just checking in, you know. Keeping an eye on things. How's the Boz?"

"He's alive," Cody said. Nick went inside without speaking, leaving them alone on deck.

"That's good, right?"

"Yeah, it's good. But he's hurt pretty bad, Dooley. It'll be a long time before he recovers and he might not be himself for—well—even longer."

"Not himself? Who else would he be?"

"I don't know. It's not like brain damage, he's still Murray. He's just going to be—scared, for a while."

"Scared, huh? I know he's, like, the little guy and everything, but I never saw him be scared of anything."

"Well, this is different. Look, I appreciate your hanging around and being concerned, I really do, but it's been a long day. Let's talk about this later, after he wakes up and we know a little more."

"After—you mean you didn't talk to him today?"

"No, not—not after we found him. Like I said, he's hurt pretty bad. He's in intensive care and they wouldn't let us stay."

"Oh. Well, tell him I said hey. You know, when you get the chance."

"I will. Goodnight, Dooley."

"'Night, Codeman."

Cody waited in the wheelhouse until he saw the young man leave the boat, then locked up again and went below. He wanted to cast off and go out to sea, out where they'd be safe from the world. Or at least better able to see it coming before it attacked. But they needed the phone. They needed to be available. If Murray woke they had to be there.

Nick was sitting on the edge of the bed that seemed so large without the skinny man who took up so little space. He was crying and Cody went to hold him. The embrace turned into a caress and the caress turned into lovemaking, of a more gentle kind than was usually seen in that cabin. It was hard not to think of Murray and what had been done to him. Hard not to wonder if he would ever want to be touched again. So they touched each other in his place and neither voiced their fears.

***

After three more days of lurking in corridors and watching Murray sleep, their patience was finally rewarded. Nick and Cody were watching cartoons in his room with the volume turned way down when Nick happened to look over and see that the deep brown eyes were open.

"Hey, Murray," he said quietly. "You're awake. You don't know what a relief that is."

Murray's throat clicked audibly as he swallowed. After a day on a respirator and nothing to drink for three he shouldn't have been able to speak. Nick started to tell him so but he opened his mouth and, against all odds, said two words.

"My—glasses."

"Sure, they're right here," Cody said, grabbing them off the bedside table. The police had found them in the house in the desert and Quinlan brought them back. Once Murray could see again he looked at them both, studying their faces so carefully that Nick thought he might have lost his memory. Then he spoke again.

"Go away."

"Cody, go get the doctor," Nick whispered and picked up Murray's hand. "Don't try to talk yet, okay? You've been asleep for a long time and…"

"Go away," he said again, jerking his hand viciously from Nick's gentle grip. Pain rocketed across his shoulders and down his broken ribs, wrenching a small moan from his dry throat.

"Murray, I'm not going anywhere. I don't understand what's going on here and I won't unless you tell me."

"You know," he hissed, his voice almost entirely gone.

"If—if you blame us for what happened, I understand that," Nick said softly, taking up the weak hand again. "We didn't protect you, we weren't there when you needed us, and we're so sorry."

"Don't touch me," he hissed, trying to get his hand away. Nick held on this time and the pain was astounding, first shocking Murray out of his drugged stupor and then sinking him in waves of agony. He made a amall sound that probably started out in his chest as a scream and tears came to his eyes. Nick let go so fast that Murray's hand hung suspended in the air for a full second, then clenched into a fist and struck the bed rail with more strength than either of them expected. If the IV hadn't been in his other hand he might have really hurt himself, but Nick wasn't sure he'd care.

"Murray, no. I—I won't touch you if that's really what you want but you have to hold still. Please, don't hurt yourself anymore."

The brown eyes turned to him in disbelief and if looks could kill, Nick would have dropped dead. Hurt _himself_? Right. That's why he was here.

"Dr. Bozinsky," called a cheerful voice. "You're back with us. I'm Dr. Spencer but people call me Gem."

He gave the petite woman a distrustful glare that did nothing to dampen her bright expression.

"Well, you won't be calling me anything for a little while yet. Let's have a look at you and see if you can have something to drink. Would you like that?"

His face remained unreadable, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Would you like your friends to stay?"

He shook his head shortly, not even looking at the men in question.

"Murray, no," Cody said quietly, cut to the quick.

"Let's give them a minute," Nick said, drawing him away. "Murray, we'll be right outside."

When they were gone the doctor smiled and picked up Murray's hand. He tried to pull away and she shook her head.

"Not on me, doctor," she said. "You can treat your friends however you want but I'm in charge here and I'll have my way."

He turned his gaze away and let her do what she wanted. Her hands on his body were soft and cool, checking bandages, feeling for pain. He never admitted to any but she could see it on his face.

"Would you like some water now?"

He started to shrug but it hurt too much.

"You may as well because we're going to talk and it'll be more comfortable." She poured a cup of water and raised his head so he could drink. Murray was prepared to be strong but the water was so good he broke and gulped it greedily. "Hey, that's enough. You don't want to throw up with all those broken ribs."

"Can you leave me alone now?" he whispered, sounding more like himself.

"Not yet. Dr. Bozinsky, we have to talk."

"You're not a psychiatrist, are you?"

"Do you think you might need one?"

"God, you are."

"No, doctor. But I do take a whole-person approach to medicine, and I know you're going to have some issues to work through. What happened to you was very traumatic."

"I'm not going to talk about it."

"Yes, you are," she smiled gently. "Maybe not right this second, but you will. You're going to be here for a while, and it's all part of the healing. I hope you let your friends help, too. They seem very dedicated."

"I guess."

"Dr. Bozinsky—"

"Why do you keep calling me that?" he snapped, wincing at the pain in his belly.

"Because it's your name. Just because you're a patient for now, that doesn't make you any less than you were before."

"Bullshit. Can we stop this now?"

"In a minute. Dr. Bozinsky, you're going to recover. Your ribs will mend, your burns will heal, and you'll go home. Your friends have stood by you like family since you've been here. You should use that."

"I can't use them anymore," he sighed. "And I don't want you talking to them, either. Don't tell them anything."

"They already know quite a bit. We weren't able to find your family and they've taken on that role, giving consent for your treatment."

"Oh, no." He tried to cover his eyes but one arm was restricted by the IV and the doctor was holding the other.

"Doctor Bozinsky…"

"Stop. Just stop. My name's Murray, not doctor, and those men are not my family." Even now he could only protect them by driving them away. He wished, not for the first or last time, that he'd never been found at all.

"Then what are they?" she asked, so gently that he knew she already knew.

"Nothing, anymore. Just go away."

"I'm going to step out for just a minute, okay? I'll be right back."

"Don't you talk to them."

"If that's what you want."

She went out and explained very carefully to Nick and Cody that he had the right to withhold information. They were stunned and demanded to see him again, which made her smile a little.

"Lucky for you, he didn't say we couldn't let you in. But I have to warn you that he can. Now that he's conscious and mostly out of danger, we would have to respect that."

"I don't understand this," Cody said, his fear and anger finally bubbling over. "What's going on with him? We're his best friends, we've lived together for years, he loves us."

"It's not that uncommon in men who've—well, I can't discuss it with you now, but you know what I would have said. He hasn't had any time to begin to come to terms with it yet."

"So if he says he doesn't want to see us, that's it? You throw us out and he's in there all alone?" Nick said furiously.

"No, not alone. Actually, he's going to be on suicide watch for a while. If you can do anything to help us with that, it would be good."

"S-suicide?" Cody stammered.

"I'm afraid so. Hopefully just for a while, until he starts processing things. Right now he's in the running phase, and that's the most dangerous. All he's thinking about is getting away and he's too weak to do anything except die. If we're not very careful, he just might."

"So we can go in now?"

"In just a minute. I have to get something and then we'll go together."

Nick and Cody exchanged a look, one that Murray could have shared and understood if he was just himself. If he just wanted to.

_Suicide?_

_No. No way. Not our Boz. _

But when the doctor came back, she had restraints in her hands.

"What's that for?" Nick asked, seeing that Cody couldn't speak.

"Come with me. And whatever you do, whatever side you take, stick together. Don't let Murray divide you or you'll never be able to help him."

They exchanged another look, this one more complicated, but reached a consensus.

"Right. Let's go then," Cody said, clearing his throat.

Murray was staring at the window and didn't look around when the door opened. Nick went straight over to the bed, positioning himself between Murray and the window. With a sigh, he turned his head and saw the doctor and Cody on the other side. Tears came his eyes and he closed them tight, as if that would make everyone go away.

"Murray, listen to me," Gem said, quiet but firm. "I'm your doctor, I'm here to take care of you, and if you won't help me then I have to do it whatever way I can. Do you understand that?"

He shook his head, negating not the meaning of her words, but the words themselves. She took his hand and he felt something soft close over his wrist.

"No," he whispered, forced to speak at last. "Don't tie me up again. Please, Jesus, no more."

Nick drew a harsh breath and moved closer, gripping Murray's hand, being careful of the IV. He saw the same feelings on Cody's face and they turned to the doctor, united.

"Do you have to?" Nick asked, almost as choked as Murray.

"We can't watch him every minute and right now he fits the definition of suicidal. So, yes." She saw Murray's eyes flick over to Nick's and then to Cody's, enlisting their help, calling on them with faith as he always had. It was working already.

"That's cruel," Cody said in disbelief. "You can't just tie him up and leave him after everything that's happened. It's insane."

"Well, if he were willing, one of you could stay and then he wouldn't feel so vulnerable. Would that be all right, Dr. Bozinsky?"

"You can't do this," Murray whispered. "Please. Please." But she was already attaching the restraint to the bed. As she moved around to the other side, Nick stepped back to give her access. He could imagine Murray saying those same words to his captors and getting the same response.

"You're perfectly safe," she said as she fastened the soft cuff around his left wrist. "Your friends will stay and make sure of it."

"Not my friends," he said, almost inaudibly.

"Well, I'll leave the three of you to work that out. Murray, here's your call button in case you need anything." She put the cord in his hand and let him feel the button with his thumb. "That's right. Boys, keep an eye on him and let the nurses know if you leave."

"Thanks, Doc," Nick said. Cody still looked stunned, his expression remarkably like the day they came back to the pier and found the _Riptide_ missing. It was if the earth had shifted under his feet and he didn't know where he was anymore. Nevada, maybe, or Japan.

"Okay, Boz, what's that about?" Nick asked when she was gone. Cody took a hesitant step, as if testing the ground, and then made his way over to the bed. He picked up Murray's clenched fist, sweaty now with fear, and forced it open. Murray whimpered softly as his knuckles cracked and then Cody was squeezing the hand between both of his.

"Yeah, how can you say we're not your friends? I want to think that you're just hurt and doped up and you don't mean it but—but we've seen that before and it wasn't like this. You mean it, don't you?"

"I—you can't. _I_ can't."

"Can't what, babe?" Cody whispered, leaning his elbows on the railing, pressing the slender hand to his forehead.

"I can't go back. And I can't be _that guy_."

"I don't understand. You're not making sense."

"Of course you don't understand. You can't understand. I can't live like this, I don't want to try. I want to be dead. After I stopped hoping you'd come, I started wanting to die. If you'd been a little later, I would have. You should have been later."

"No, Murray," Nick said softly. "That—that would have been awful. All we wanted was to get you back and now—now we can start fixing this thing. We love you, man. We don't ever want to be without you."

"But I _do_. You're being all sweet and romantic now but after a while you'll see. You won't want me any more than I do."

"That's not true," Cody said raggedly. "Look, I'm not saying I understand how you're feeling, or that I know everything you went through. But I know a lot. We were there, Murray. We saw you in that room, they sent us pictures, even. And we've talked to the doctor—" Murray's quick, startled glance caught him off guard and made him backtrack. "Not since you told her not to, which really hurts, by the way."

"Cody…"

"No, I'm being honest. He should know how we feel."

Nick subsided, letting him go on, but keeping a close watch on Murray's face.

"Nothing's going to change how we feel about you, Boz. Nothing anyone does can make us stop loving you."

"But I feel different," he whispered.

"Different how?" Nick asked, taking his share of the burden.

"I—I really don't want you touching me. I don't want anyone to touch me, ever again. And I don't want anyone looking at me. And I don't want to look at anyone. I want to be dead. How can you love that?"

"You always liked to be touched," Nick reminded him. "The problem was always that you didn't get enough."

"Well, now I have. I can't move and I'm in pain and they've tied me down and if these strangers come and put their hands on me I'll just—I'll want to die but I won't do anything because I can't. How long have I been here?"

"Three days, give or take."

"And these strangers have been handling me all that time. Not that it matters anymore…"

"It matters. We've been here keeping an eye on things, no one's hurt you."

"But it doesn't matter. I'm already dead inside."

Nick remembered other emotions deeply felt (_you've ripped out my heart, destroyed my soul_) but this was different. There wasn't any drama or passion in his words. He wasn't making a point, he was just stating a fact, as if commenting on the weather. _Nice sunny day today. Supposed to get hot this afternoon, and I've lost my will to live_.

"No. Murray, no. We need you, you can't just die. It matters, you matter, and we're not going to leave you alone until you know that."

Instead of answering, he pushed the call button. A nurse appeared almost instantly, he observed in a vaguely curious way. Dr. Gem must not have been kidding about that suicide watch thing.

"Do you need something?" she asked Cody, as he was the closest.

"I don't know. Murray's the patient, ask him."

"Can I have something for the pain?"

"Is it very bad?"

"What do you think?" The clipped viciousness was so foreign that his friends both did double takes, as if unable to believe it came from him.

"Let me check your chart."

He closed his eyes, flexing his head back to keep the tears from escaping. Already he hated the chart, terrified of what was written in it. She went out of the room and came back with a syringe. He said nothing as she injected it in his IV line, waiting just to go to sleep. It was in the back of his mind that he could puncture the line somehow and maybe get himself an air embolus. That could work. If he had a pin or a pair of scissors… But that was probably the sort of thing they would keep out of the hands of a suicidal patient.

"She's gone, Boz," Nick said quietly. "I know you're gonna go to sleep but I'm gonna keep talking until then. I'm gonna keep telling you how much I love you and how that's never gonna change. One of us is gonna be here all the time until you believe that."

"I can't go home," he said sleepily, tricked by the medication into talking.

"Of course you can. And you're going to feel so much better then," Cody put in. "The boat and your friends—everyone misses you so much."

"I can't. People will know. They do, don't they? I was so close to finally being a man."

"Murray, you _are_ a man," Nick said quietly. "I've told you that before and it's still true. Nothing can change that."

"Bullshit. I'm nothing now. You can't love nothing." He kept his eyes closed, tears creeping down his temples, and jerked away when Nick caught them with his fingers. But Cody's hand was on the other side and he collided with it at once.

"You can't get away," Cody said. "You're _not_ getting away from us, Boz. And before you try, think about something. What if it was me? What if I were in your place? Would you walk away and let me die?"

"You wouldn't be in my place," Murray whispered. "You're a man. You'd have died fighting them off."

"Maybe, or maybe I'd choose to live and come home to you. I'd know you wanted me back, no matter what. Wouldn't you?"

Murray turned away but Nick was on his other side, asking the same question.

"It's not the same. They chose me because they knew they could get away with it. I was supposed to scream like a girl and sing like a canary. Even people who _don't_ know me expect it."

"But you didn't sing, did you? You cut yourself off to protect us. You took all that alone, rather than call us for help. Murray, that's the bravest thing I've ever seen. And if you screamed, anyone would. I've screamed under torture, and I bet Cody has, too."

"I didn't. I didn't scream or beg and they got so mad…begged the doctor but not those guys. Didn't work on her so why would it work on them?"

"Murray…" Cody leaned closer, kissed his forehead and whispered the best words that he knew. "Murray, you're so brave and special and we need you so much—just promise you won't quit. Not yet, at least. Okay? Give it a few days, angel. Just a few days."

"…not your angel anymore," he sighed and fell asleep.

"I don't accept that," Cody said, as much to Nick as to the angel in question.

"No, me either. He's gonna come around, man, he's got to."

"Yeah. But I gotta admit, I was thinking about that before. How I'd feel if it was me. I don't know if I'd be any different."

"Maybe you wouldn't, but me and Murray would do for you what we're doing for him now."

"Tie me up and tell me you love me?"

"If that's what it took. I mean, do you feel different about him now?" Nick asked, trusting that the answer wouldn't be one that Murray shouldn't hear.

"No. Well, I feel like shit just looking at him but I still love him. I'll still want to fuck him when he gets better but if he doesn't want to, that's okay. I hope he'll want to sleep with us, but if he wants to go back to his old room for a while I'd understand. I'd be disappointed," he added and Nick murmured agreement, "but it just takes time, you know? We have time."

"Yeah. We always have time for the important stuff. Murray, I'm gonna sit down right here, okay?" he told the sleeping man. "I'm not going anywhere." He let go of the thin hand and pulled up a chair, then reached through the rail and took it up again. When Nick was settled, Cody did the same.

"Should I take off his glasses?" Nick asked quietly.

"Better not. He'll be even more scared if he wakes up and can't see. Anyway, he can't turn over and break them."

"Yeah, I didn't think of that. God, I'm so glad we found him. I hope he is, too, someday."

"He will be. We'll get through this, like we do everything else. To tell you the truth, I'm glad they couldn't find his folks. He doesn't want them to know this."

"No, not now. And I don't think very many other people do. Quinlan's keeping it as quiet as he can and I didn't tell Dooley."

"Me either. We'll get him his dignity back, Nick. It'll be okay."

But a few hours later Murray woke and took a giant step backward.


	3. That Guy

He'd been awake, groggy but aware, for maybe a minute when a nurse came in, introduced herself as Shelly, and said she needed to clean and dress his burns. Murray asked her not to, asked her to give him a few minutes at least, but she said she had a schedule and then proceeded to explain what a schedule was. He closed his eyes against her, moaning as she uncovered his battered body. She started with his feet, unwrapping the gauze to expose soles covered with round cigar burns. He jerked away from the rough cloth but she was strong and held him mercilessly in place.

"Murray, it's okay," Nick said softly. "I know it hurts but she needs to do it."

"Fuck you," he said, between clenched teeth. "You don't know."

Nick stood up and told Cody with a look to do the same. They put their hands on Murray's shoulders, finding the places where they knew by now he didn't hurt so much, and held him gently. He sank beneath their touch, choosing not to fight so they wouldn't use their superior strength against him. Helpless tears ran down his face and the nurse gave him another shot of morphine before continuing. When she lifted his gown to work on his burned thighs, Cody moved to stroke Murray's bony knees. As long as he was in pain they were touching him, contrasting the hurt with gentleness and love. He kept his eyes closed, refusing to acknowledge any of it, and eventually dozed off a little. He didn't come back to himself until they were sitting him up, untying his gown to bathe the wounds under his arms. That was where his silence finally broke. When she touched the tender, ticklish skin he asked her quietly to stop.

"I'm sorry, Murray. We're almost finished, though. Just a couple more minutes. Then the doctor's going to come and see you again. She wants to have a look at your back."

"No," he said, knowing it was useless. "Can't I refuse treatment? I've signed myself out before, can't I just go?"

"I thought you didn't want to go home," Cody said, just to see how he'd respond.

"There are lots of other places to go."

"Not for you, buddy. It's here and then home and if you can't accept that, you're not ready to leave."

"Your brother's right," Shelly put in. "You need your family now."

He closed his eyes and didn't speak again until Dr. Gem came back. Nick met her at the door and told her they hadn't made any progress, beyond Murray telling them flat out that he wanted to die.

"That's progress, believe me. He's tired now but in a few days he'll be able to talk more and if he's talking about it, that means he's processing. Don't let him withdraw and you can get him through it."

"But he's still suicidal?"

"It sounds like it. Let me talk to him a minute and we'll see what happens."

She went over to the bed, smiling brightly.

"Hi, Murray. Do you remember me?"

"Sort of. You tied me up."

"That's right. And my name's Gem. In case you need to call me something."

"I could think of some things to call you."

"I'm sure you can. How are you feeling, Murray?"

"Like I'm dead, and lying down, and yet the misery continues. That's not fair, you know."

"I know. None of it is. Including this. I need you to sit up for me. Can you do that?"

"No."

"Okay, will one of you boys help me?" She used the bed control to sit him up most of the way and then Cody sat down on the bed and pulled him forward, supporting him against his chest. The old Murray would have pressed his face to the warm neck but this new, broken Murray turned away. The motioned tugged at his ng tube and he whined, low in his throat, hating himself for it but unable to bite it back. Somehow he preferred Cody to Nick (and wondered how they'd known he would) but it was the preference of zero over a negative. She untied his gown and he whined again.

"It's okay, Boz," Cody whispered. "It's okay."

"Fuck you," he said again, and Cody felt tears soaking through his sweater.

"This'll be cold," Gem warned him before placing the stethoscope bell on his bare back. She was careful not to touch the raw cuts that were smeared with ointment but not bandaged. Murray hadn't told them what caused those wounds. Something thin and flexible was all they knew. There were deep muscle bruises across his shoulders and the back of his neck where someone had held him down with something hard and cylindrical, a pipe, maybe or a wooden bat. There were similar cylindrical bruises across his throat, testifying mutely to how hard he'd fought.

Lower on his body were handprint bruises where someone had gripped him at the waist and the hips, digging thumbs into tender kidneys. Different hands, he saw, of different sizes, overlapping. How many hands, he wondered, and how many that didn't leave marks? Did Murray even know? Cody hoped he didn't.

"You can lay him back now," Gem said. Murray winced as his injured flesh touched the bed but he was feeling pretty numb by now. "The good news is your lungs are still clear. So long as you keep sitting up from time to time, I think you're out of the woods there."

"What about the rest?" Nick asked. "When can he think about going home?"

"I don't know yet. We need to keep him on antibiotics for a while and—"

"I don't want to go home," Murray said quietly. "I keep telling you that."

"That kind of answers the question, doesn't it? We can't release him with nowhere to go."

Nick and Cody looked at each other, both asking what the answer was and disappointed that the other didn't know.

"So you won't untie me, either?"

"Not yet. But you could have something to eat if you'd like. Some soup or Jell-O."

"I can't feed myself."

"One of your friends would help, I'm sure."

"Not my friends," he whispered again.

"Hey, that's enough of that," Cody snapped, suddenly furious. Murray's eyes widened in surprise, then closed tightly before his emotions could show. "I don't want to hear that anymore, Boz. Do you understand?"

"Then leave."

"Fine. Fine, I'm out of here." He got up and crossed the room in three strides, ignoring Nick's voice ordering him back.

"You stay here," Gem said, not at all perturbed. "I'll go talk to him."

Cody was in the hallway, slumped on the floor right outside the door, his back against the wall, arms wrapped around his head. The doctor crouched and laid a soft hand on his shoulder.

"He's going to say things like that," she said quietly. "He might even mean them, but it's not your fault."

"I shouldn't have walked out."

"You should if you need to. And you need to be yourself. It's important to show him that you haven't changed, that you're going to treat him the same. But you have to go back."

"Yeah, I will. In just a minute." He took a few deep breaths, wiped his eyes and tried on a smile. "How's that?"

"It'll do."

"Great. But first, can you explain something to me?"

"I can try."

"Why does he keep doing that? Saying we're not his friends, not his family. He's never thought that before. We didn't see him for eight years and we were still the best friends he had. He was just out there, loving us, not even knowing if we'd come back. He lived three hours away and we never went to see him. We only talked on the phone maybe once a year, and it was still like he was just waiting. I mean, there's never been a time when it wasn't us."

"He's scared."

"Of _what_? That's what I don't understand. We've always protected him, he's always been safe when we were there. I've seen him scared of other people, he's been kidnapped a couple times before, he's been tortured for information, but he always ran right to us when we rescued him. Why not this time?"

"I expect it's because he feels so different about himself now. He doesn't trust you to love him in the same way because he doesn't feel like the same person."

"Yeah, he said something about that. But he doesn't listen to us and that's different."

"You're used to controlling his emotions, aren't you?"

Cody was surprised and started to protest. But when he thought about it—maybe it wasn't a totally inaccurate assessment.

"Maybe a little. Murray wants to please people. All we ever had to do was let him know how to do that and he would. When he was hurt he'd hide it a little to, I don't know, take the pressure off us, but we could always see it. Nick's always had a special way with him and now that's just—gone. He blames us both, but he blames Nick more."

"It's not gone. He's cutting you out so you won't be able to reject him later, when the relief is past and you have to deal with the whole truth. Forgive me if this is too personal but, he's your lover, isn't he? Or Nick's?"

"Both," he said faintly. "All of us."

"Yes, I thought so. See, he's thinking ahead, wondering if you'll still want him in the same way. And wondering if he'll be able to want you in return if you do. I don't know if you can understand how very hard it is for him to contemplate that."

"But we've told him. We—we told him nothing's changed."

"But it _has_. Telling him it hasn't, that's just going to reinforce his idea that you don't understand and that he's going to have to disappoint you."

"But I said—"

"You said _you_ still felt the same. You don't know how he feels. Mr. Allen, things _are_ different now. And he might not be able to go back to the way they were."

"You mean, ever?"

"It's early to say, _very_ early, but it's possible. I hope he'll be able to go home and live with you again, he needs people who know him well, but he might want to drop out of the rest of the relationship, and you have to let him know that it's okay. Assuming it is."

"Yeah, of course," he said, distracted. "He belongs with us, no matter what. But—I don't know. I'm not giving up."

"Good. Don't give him up, just be realistic. And make him talk, about anything, for as long as he can. The only thing I'm going to tell you not to do is argue him into a corner. Always give him a way out, something to say that isn't total despair. Don't let him shut down again, okay?"

"Yeah, okay. But what if we get pissed, like I did just now? Can I walk away or do I have to stay in there and take it?"

"You and Mr. Ryder should take turns. He can get mad next."

"Okay," he said, seeing that it was sort of a joke. She rose smoothly and offered him a hand. Cody, so strong and powerful, took it and blinked back tears.

"It's okay if he sees you cry," she said suddenly. "He needs to know that you know how bad it is."

"I—I don't cry in front of people. I think it would scare him."

"It's okay," she said again. "Come on. Let's not give him the idea you've gone away."

"Right. Hey, what about tonight? Can one of us stay with him?"

"Of course." She pushed the door open and nudged Cody in first. Nick was standing on the far side of the bed, forcing Murray to look at the door if he wanted to avoid seeing him. Cody smiled and for a split second Murray's eyes lit up. The spark was gone so fast it might not have been there at all, but Cody and Gem both saw it and it eased their hearts. He wasn't nearly as far gone as he wanted to be.

"Couldn't stay away, could you?" Nick teased. "Well, you're just in time. Boz and I were discussing the British royal family I can't remember who was king after George II."

"Can't have been much of a discussion if he didn't tell you it was George III. I didn't finish college and even I know that."

Murray looked from one to the other, puzzled. He hadn't said a word the whole time Cody was gone.

"Okay, it was pretty one sided. Dr. G, are we going to get some food in here? I think he's hungry."

"I'll go put the order in. Murray, you want to start eating as soon as you can. That tube in your nose isn't very comfortable, is it?"

He didn't respond and she went to get his soup. Cody went over to the bed and resumed his seat.

"She's right, Boz. You'll feel better when you get that tube out. And maybe tomorrow we can give you a shave, clean you up a little. You always feel better when you're clean."

He turned to Cody with so much hate and anger on his face that the older man was shaken. Still, he picked up Murray's hand and asked him what was wrong. Murray turned his head away and Nick repeated the question. The only place to look was at the ceiling and then he could see them both in the periphery of his vision.

"Murray, you have to talk. That's the only rule," Cody said firmly. "Say anything at all, just talk."

"Go away."

"Good, what else? Why are you pissed at me for wanting to help you shave?"

"It doesn't matter. I can't be clean again so it doesn't matter."

Cody's first impulse was to deny that but he remembered what the doctor had said. Nothing that would back him into a corner. He was trying to think of a leading question when Nick stepped in.

"One step at a time, babe. You have to _be_ clean before you _feel_ clean. You know how it is when you get sick at home and you're completely miserable, sweating through the sheets and spilling orange juice on yourself. And then we come in and I sponge you off while Cody changes the bed, and we get you fresh pajamas and pretty soon you're asleep, all clean and cozy. It's just like that, Boz. You're miserable, but if you stop fighting us you'll feel better fast. You know it's true."

Murray tried to swallow a lump in his throat but it wouldn't go down. The memory was so clear, of both the actions and the love they represented. He would die if he couldn't have that again. Murray gasped for breath and suddenly he was sobbing. It hurt his throat, hurt his chest even more, and if he knew the secret of spontaneous combustion he would have gone up in flames right then. Cody moved quickly to raise the bed and ease his breathing, then pulled the fragile body into his arms again. It must have hurt, but this time Murray scraped his glasses off and pressed his forehead to Cody's neck, wailing his grief and humiliation.

"Nick, get his wrists," Cody whispered. Swiftly Nick untied the restraints and Murray wrapped his arms awkwardly around Cody's shoulders. "That's it, baby, let it out," he murmured, hugging his friend gently. "Just let it out and you'll get clean."

Nick stood close by, stroking the trembling body wherever it seemed safe. Petting his arms, the back of his head, the small of his back, in between the thumbprints. Murray was vibrating like he had a bearing going out, his sobs gaining strength long past the point when Nick thought they should have been tapering off. It was ugly and frightening but the two men took it as their penance. They'd missed the really ugly part and now they must endure this.

Gem came in with a tray of soup and Jell-O, a cheerful remark dying on her lips when she saw what was happening. She put the tray down on the closest surface and ran out again. When she came back she had two syringes in her hand.

"What's that?" Nick asked and she shook her head briefly to silence him. Murray's hands were still clinging to Cody's sweater and Nick followed her eyes. When she gave him the signal, he ran his hand down Murray's arm and circled his wrist lightly, comfortingly, holding his strength in reserve. But Murray didn't notice he was being restrained this time and she injected the contents of both syringes without having to fight him, saline first, and then Valium. His sobs began to slow after a minute and when his arms relaxed, Cody laid him down.

"That looked cathartic, Murray," Gem said sympathetically. "But it's not good for you to get this worked up right now. I've given you a touch of Valium to help dial it down, okay? Do you want to blow your nose?"

He nodded miserably and she gave him a handful of tissues. It was hard to do with a tube blocking one nostril, and when he was finished his ears hurt. Nick found his glasses on the bed and put them back on him and Murray suddenly looked a little like himself. At least more than he had when he was trying to be dead.

"You're going to get sleepy in a minute, but why don't you try some soup first? It's chicken and rice. Someone told me that was your favorite."

"Do you know everything about me?" he asked, his thin face naked and scared.

"Only the important things."

"I want to see my chart. I have the right to by law."

"Yes, you do. But let's have some supper first." She got the tray and put it on an over bed table. "Can you handle it or do you want some help?"

"I know what you're doing. You think I'll fall asleep and forget the chart, but I won't. Let me see it or I don't eat."

"Murray, let's be reasonable," Nick said. "What does it matter what's in the chart?"

"It matters because everyone who comes in here, from the surgeon to the guy who fixes the TV, can read it, and I want to know what it says."

Gem got the chart, but didn't hand it to him right away.

"The jargon's a little thick," she said lightly. "It might not make much sense."

"Be serious," he snapped back, not kidding at all. Gem gave him the clipboard.

Murray flipped through it, reading whole lines at a glance, in spite of his headache and fuzzy vision. The Valium was kicking in hard and he was running out of time. But he found the words he was looking for, the ones that shouldn't have been in print and yet were now part of his permanent record. He was officially _that guy_. He threw the clipboard as hard as he could, a little surprised when it struck the far wall. Then he fell back, too exhausted even to cry.

"All right," Gem said, businesslike as always. "Now let's have some supper. Murray, can you manage the spoon?"

She elevated his head and he got his hand to his mouth twice before exhaustion overtook him. Nick volunteered to take over and got half the bowl into him before he went to sleep.

"What happened with the chart there?" Cody asked as she retied the restraints. "I didn't get that part."

"The first page, the one on the bottom now, has a catalogue of injuries. It's fairly thorough. He needed to know what was written down, what words we use, so he can start trying to figure out what people are thinking when they see him. I know a little about him, I keep up on the major scientific publications in a lot of disciplines, and I'm guessing that predicting people's actions is important to him."

"Well, yeah. It's what keeps us all alive. If he couldn't do it as well as he does, none of us would be here."

"It's a good skill. But he's worried about being judged now and I think that's kind of new. He's always been the top at whatever he was doing, hasn't he?"

"Mostly. He has his insecurities," Nick said thoughtfully. "Mostly bod—oh."

"Were you going to say body image?" Cody asked. "Because if you weren't, I will."

"Yeah, I was. Remember the Brando phase? How to be a man at all costs?"

"That was a long case. Crushing beer cans and wearing those stupid sunglasses—what a week."

"I see you understand," Gem smiled kindly. "I have to be on my way now, but I'll stop by later. If he wants more to eat, just ask the nurse. And if he wants a hug you can take off the restraints. That was a good thing to do, even if we don't normally encourage it. Just remember to put them back on before you take your eyes off him. That will be hard for you to do and it'll upset him but he's not out of the _schwarz Wald_ yet. You have to remember that."

"What vault?" Nick asked, thinking it was a medical term.

"_Schwarz Wald_. The black forest. You've found him in there but you haven't gotten him out. He could still slip away when you're not looking and get lost in the shadows."

Both men shivered, their eyes turning instinctively toward the window where night was closing in.

"Can we stay here tonight? In the room?" Cody asked.

"I can only let one of you stay after visiting hours. Which will be over in about half an hour anyway. But yes, it would be good to have someone in the room at all times."

"How do we decide?" Cody asked.

"That's up to you." Her pager beeped and she checked it quickly. "I have to go for now, but I'll check back again before I leave for the night."

When she was gone, Cody asked the question again and Nick shrugged.

"I guess it ought to be you. He seems to like you best right now."

"I don't think that's true. He's just—confused."

"Cody, it's okay. I want to do what's best for him and if you make him more comfortable, then you should stay. I'll spend some time with him tomorrow while you're catching up on your sleep."

"See, that almost worked. You're a lot better at being sincere than I am. What if he starts in on stuff that I can't handle?"

"He won't. He'll probably sleep all night, anyway. But if he doesn't, if it gets too weird, give me a call and we'll trade off. I'm just at the boat, it's fifteen minutes away."

"Yeah, okay. Hey, bring his shaving stuff in the morning, would you? And his toothbrush and—well, you know what he needs."

"Yeah, I know. And so do you. Don't worry so much."

"What? Me? No, I'm not worried. It's Murray, right?"

"Yeah, it's Murray. You'll do great."

Cody nodded, still deep in thought.

"Why's he choosing me?" he asked slowly. "You've always been closer to him and I think I hurt him more. I mean, I like rough sex more than you do, at least with him, and I'm the one who sprained his wrist that time."

"That was an accident. You also humor him more, you show more of an interest in his stuff. He's like a little kid when he has a new project to share, and you're the one who listens and pretends to understand."

"Hey, I understand sometimes."

"Sure, I know. Look, whatever it is, he's getting it from you right now, and I'm okay with that. Take care of him and call me if you need any help."

"I will. But you don't have to go right this minute. There's a little time left."

They sat down on either side of the bed, holding the bound hands and watching their battered lover sleep. His face, so thin and tight with pain, covered with bruises and three days of stubble, was still sweet. He was still their Boz, the only one they had, and they were going to bring him home.

***

Cody slept sitting in the chair, his arms folded on the bedrail, his head pillowed uncomfortably on one wrist. His shoulders hurt and kept him from sleeping deeply but it didn't matter. Even if he had been able to, the nurses constantly coming in would have woken him anyway. When his arms went numb, he sat up and let them hang, working his fingers to increase blood flow.

It was during one of those periods of silent exercise that Murray woke, turning blind eyes in his direction. He'd been awake a couple of times since Nick left but each time he just asked for painkillers and went back to sleep. Cody assumed that he would this time, as well, and reached for the call button.

"Cody, is that you?" Murray asked, so soft and frightened that he forgot the nurse and reached for his hand instead.

"It's me, babe. What's up?"

"Is it still night? What day is it?"

"It's Thursday night, Friday morning. You've been asleep for a few hours. Do you need some drugs?"

"Yeah, in a minute. Cody, I need to rub my eyes. Can you untie my hand?"

"Why don't I just rub it for you?"

"Sure, that's a good idea. Go ahead and poke out my eye. That's what was missing."

"Very funny. I'm not Nick, remember? I'm the one who taught you marlinspike seamanship. Which eye?"

"Both," he sighed resignedly. Cody pressed his thumb to one closed eyelid and then the other, holding still while Murray turned his head against it. After he'd cleared both eyes, Cody asked if he wanted his glasses.

"No. It's—no offense, but it's easier if I don't have to look at you."

"Why would that offend me?" Cody laughed nervously.

"It's not you. I just don't want to see what look might be on your face right now."

"That sounds a little like it's me. Angel, if you could see my face, do you know what you'd see?" Murray shook his head, already turning away. "You'd see that I'm tired. That I haven't shaved for almost as long as you. And that I'm worried. I love you so much and I'm so scared of losing you…" He paused and Murray turned back, squinting at him in the poor light.

"You don't know who I am yet," he whispered.

"Boz, I've known you for years."

"You knew Murray Bozinsky. You don't know who _that guy_ is."

"I don't understand that. You say it like it means something. What _guy_?"

"The person I am now. He doesn't even have a name. He's not Murray or Boz or Doctor and he's sure as hell not Colonel Bozinsky. He's just _that guy who got raped_."

"Oh." It was the first time Murray had said the word, the first time anyone had said it inside his room, and Cody understood why he hadn't wanted his glasses. It was a conversation for the dark, for the confessional, or as close as they could come. He turned and pulled the curtain around the bed, concealing them from the open door and casting deeper shadows over Murray's face. _Schwarz Wald_. Cody took a deep breath, determined to get them out. Or at least camped safely for the night.

"Murray, I'm not sure _that guy's_ any different from the Murray I've known all this time. He's hurt and embarrassed and angry but he's still Murray. If he wasn't, he'd feel differently. Does that make sense?"

"No."

"What I'm trying to say is, you feel so bad _because_ you're Murray. You're reacting the way we would have expected Murray to react. We hoped it wouldn't be this bad, of course. We were hoping that you'd still like us, but it's not a complete surprise."

"It's not you."

"No? It sure feels like it is."

"It's me, Cody. I can't—I don't know how to face my life anymore."

"Slowly. One day, one person, one thing at a time. You'll get well and go home and we'll handle whatever comes up."

"But I don't have a plan. I need a plan and I don't know how to start. I've never not had a plan before." He sounded desperate and fearful, intensely worried about not knowing what he'd be doing when the sun came up.

"Do you want me to help you make one?"

"Really? You'd stick to it?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Because you guys always tell me you're going to do something and then change your minds. Or you just tell me what I want to hear and then do whatever you were planning all along. Like when you sold Beat the Box behind my back. You promised you wouldn't and then you did and you know what I've gotten for that so far? I _owe_ DynaGames seventeen dollars. You sold me out."

"Yeah, I guess we did," was the surprising response. "But that wasn't just about the game, Murray. There was a bigger issue at hand, people were dead and more were dying. We used you, true, and we lied, but it wasn't done to hurt you. It wasn't _about_ you. This is. You're the only thing that matters here and if we do any lying or screwing over, it will be to other people, to help you."

"I don't know how to believe that."

"Well, give us some time to prove it. It'll come back to you, Boz. You'll remember why you always trusted us, even after we sold you out."

"You always come and find me," he said thoughtfully.

"That's right. All we could think about was getting you back. We knew it might be bad. After we figured out why you were trying to get Nick off the phone, he was just eaten up with guilt. But you know we never thought about writing you off. No one's going to do that."

"Maybe you're not," he said, a huge concession for that day, "but what about my other friends? What about the press and—and the trial. How can I talk about it?"

"We'll figure that out. Listen, here's a plan. Tomorrow we'll watch TV. I'll have a nap in the morning and Nick will hang out with you. I'll come back in the afternoon and we can watch more TV or play a game or something. And the next day, we'll do the same thing."

"That sounds okay."

"Good. We'll do that until it's time to go home and then—we'll go home. You can stay inside as much as you want and you don't have to see anyone you don't want to. If the DA doesn't need you for a while, we can go away. Go down to Baja, maybe, or out to the islands and lay low for a while."

"That might be good. But what about…" he trailed off, looking toward the window again.

"What about what, Boz? Come on, we're making the plan."

"What about—us? How much are things going to change?"

"Only as much as you want them to. Nick and I talked about this, you know."

"You talk about me a lot."

"You're our favorite subject. Anyway, we agreed that we want whatever you do."

"That's not reasonable. You must be hoping for _something_. Do you still want me in your relationship, or should I plan on moving back to the bow?" he asked, still not looking at Cody.

"What's this _your relationship_ horse shit? It's _our relationship_, Murray. Yours as much as mine and Nick's."

"It was yours first."

"And we gave you a full share of it, just like the agency and everything else. If you dropped out I don't know what we'd do. I can't imagine being without you."

Murray laughed softly, bitterly, and turned his fuzzy gaze on his friend.

"What's funny?"

"You can't imagine being with me either."

"You don't think so?" he asked carefully.

"I've been with other men. How can you forget that?"

"Murray, it's not like you cheated on us. There's nothing to forget or forgive between us."

"Really? You still—respect me?"

"Is that what this is about?"

"Is this—Cody, I got beaten up and gangbanged. Of course that's what it's about. That's what everything's going to be about from now on."

"Okay, that gives us a starting point. You're going to feel how you feel, no matter what we say, but that viewpoint is yours. We don't see you like that. To me you're still Murray, my same old Murray, that I love."

"You'd still want me? You'd still want to sleep with me?"

"When you're ready, yeah. Of course. If you need to be alone for a while that's understandable. If you want to go back to your old room you can. But I speak for Nick, too, when I say we hope you don't."

"I might not be able to—to do anything—for a while. Except take up space."

"You don't take up much. Besides, the bed's awfully big without you. I have a hard time sleeping without your elbows in my back."

"I—I miss you, too," he confessed, as if it were a shameful secret.

"Yeah, well, it won't be much longer. You sound hoarse, Boz. You want a drink?"

"Yes, please. And can you ask the nurse for that shot now? I want to go to sleep."

"Sure." Cody poured a fresh cup of ice water and lifted Murray's head so he could drink. "I know you're tired," he said, while Murray was unable to argue, "but I want you to try hard to remember this tomorrow. Remember how loved you are, by all of us, no matter what." He put the cup aside and settled Murray's head on the pillow.

"Thank you," he whispered. "I'll try."

"That's all I can ask." He went out to the nurse's station and requested the medication in person. Then he asked to use their phone for a quick local call.

"Hey, Nick, it's me," he said, as if it could have been anyone else. "Don't worry, it's good news. Murray woke up and we had a little talk. It's too early to say he's okay but I think he is. He's better, at least. He had a lot to say."

"That's good," Nick said, sleepy but sincere. He gave Cody a message to pass on and told him to get back before he forgot it.

Cody laughed and said goodnight in that special way that also meant _I love you_. Then he hurried back to the room so he could be there when Murray got the shot. It was important that his friend not have to fall asleep alone.

"You came back," Murray said, stretching to see around the nurse.

"I said I would. And I'm going to stay right here all night."

"Good."

The nurse injected the morphine and checked his vitals. She told Cody that he was doing fine, they both were, and he felt a surprising relief. As if the approval of an outside professional was what he needed right then.

"Cody, can you rub my eyes again?"

"Sure. Getting sleepy?"

"Yeah. And Cody, thanks for being here. I haven't said that yet, have I?"

"I knew you were thinking it. Go to sleep now, babe, okay? I called Nick and he said to tell you that he loves you and he'll be here in the morning."

"I know. I love you, angel." His lips trembled as he spoke, displaying the lingering fear of rejection. It was rare that he and Cody used that name, the one that was only for them, and Cody's reaction to it here would affect their relationship forever.

"I love you, too, angel," Cody smiled, kissing him softly on the mouth. It was the first time anyone had kissed him since he left for the library, however long ago that was, and Murray couldn't stop the tears that came to his eyes. Cody brushed them away with tender fingers and kissed him again, this time on the forehead. Then he sat down and picked up the frail hand again.

"I'm sorry for what I said before," Murray whispered. "I shouldn't have—"

"It doesn't matter. I don't even remember it, okay? Just go to sleep."

He nodded, already half gone. Cody waited until he heard the little guy snoring, ragged and painful sounding around ng tube, and then put his head down on the rail again. He might get another twenty minutes before the nurse came back.


	4. Word of the Day

Murray was almost happy to see Nick in the morning. He was almost glad that his friend had come and that he was behaving as if things were normal. He couldn't quite smile but his eyes sparked for a second, as they had once yesterday, before growing wary again.

"Morning, Boz," Nick said cheerfully, kissing him on the cheek. They had decided that normal was best, so long as Murray could tolerate it.

"Hi. Did you get enough sleep last night?"

"I should be asking you that. Cody called me at three in the morning to say you were talking his ear off."

"Really?" Murray asked, eyes opening wide in fear.

"Hey, no, I'm kidding. He was excited because it was a good thing." Nick leaned down again, pushed Murray's glasses up and kissed the corner of his eye. That earned a tiny smile, there and gone before anyone could see it.

"It's too early to make fun of him," Cody teased. "Also too late for breakfast."

"But I'm in time for the shave, right?"

"Yeah, we waited for you."

"Actually, we're waiting for the nurse," Murray said. "They're taking my feeding tube out pretty soon."

"More good news. It's getting better all the time."

Murray swallowed hard and said nothing. He didn't want them thinking he was farther along than he was.

"You're feeling better, aren't you?" Nick asked, a little worried. This time Murray smiled, bold and fake, to reassure them.

"He's faking," Cody laughed.

"Yes, he is. So are you feeling better?"

"A little," he confessed. "I just don't want you to expect too much."

"Sure, Boz, no pressure," Nick said easily. "How're your ribs?"

"Painful. I didn't sleep much, I don't think. My back hurts and I can't change position."

"Does it help to sit up?"

"Well, yes, it helps my back but it hurts my ribs." It also hurt his ass but he wasn't going to talk about that with anyone. "It's too bad I can't float in a pool of Jell-O or something." A few days ago that would have led to all kinds of wonderfully dirty comments designed to extract hidden desires and make him blush. Today Nick and Cody just traded a look and cleared their throats. The silence could have become awkward but Gem arrived first.

"Dr. G," Cody said, relieved. "Were we expecting you?"

"A nurse could have done it, but I thought Dr. B deserved special attention. How're you feeling, Murray?"

"I've been better. Gem, can you untie me? Aren't we past that?"

"I'm not sure yet. Let's take this one thing at a time. We'll get this tube out of your nose and then we'll have a little talk."

"I can talk you into thinking I won't kill myself?"

"Yes. I'm very good at this and you are an excellent patient."

"How's that?"

"You're not a good liar."

"Geeks never are," Cody said. Gem was surprised, thinking it sounded cruel, but Murray's smile was genuine.

"That's right," he agreed, almost cheerfully. "Geeks always tell the truth."

"Good. I'm glad it's policy; that will make things go a lot more smoothly. Now, you guys might not want to watch this is. It's not painful for Murray so you don't have to worry about that."

"Then why don't we want to watch?" Cody asked.

"Well it's—the word I hear most often is _icky_."

"Oh. You know what, I've been here all night and Nick has hardly had a chance to see Murray at all. I'll just go get a cup of coffee and you guys have a good time."

"Cody, hang on," Nick said, grabbing him by the arm. Cody slipped away and stepped out of reach.

"Icky's your department, buddy. I need coffee. I'll be right back, Boz."

"Sorry, Nick," Murray said quietly. Immediately the other man's face changed, turned kind and attentive, and he sat down beside the bed.

"No, it's okay. He's right, I do icky."

"Well, I don't so much," Murray said. "Will it be too awful?"

"No, hon, just don't look," Gem smiled. "Here, you need to sit up a bit." She raised the head of the bed and laid a towel across his chest. "Just close your eyes and be ready to hold your breath when I tell you, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." A small spasm crossed his face as she injected air into the tube and then she told him to take a deep breath. He closed his eyes, trying not to think about the tube snaking up his throat and out his nose. It did hurt, burning his sinuses and making his eyes water, but at least it was over quickly. He didn't open his eyes until he felt her taking the towel away, signaling that it was over. The first thing he saw was Nick, just sitting there, smiling at him.

"Did you look?" he asked self consciously.

"No," Nick said, his smile never changing. He wasn't a geek and he could lie just fine.

"Good. Can I blow my nose?"

Nick politely averted his eyes and let Gem handle that, too "How's your stomach?" she asked. "Any nausea?"

"No, no, I'm fine. Now about the restraints…"

"After we talk a little. I think it should just be the two of us, unless you really need for Nick to stay."

Murray looked up into his friend's eyes and saw a willingness to stand by him that made it possible to let go.

"That's all right. Just don't go far, okay?"

"You bet. I'll be right outside." He gave the trembling hand a squeeze and was rewarded with a grateful look. Not quite a smile, but close.

"What are we supposed to talk about?" Murray asked Gem when they were alone.

"Just how you're feeling. The nurses said you had a bad night."

"I woke up a few times, that's all. My body hurt and I asked for painkillers. They told me it was okay."

"Yes, Murray, it's okay to ask when you need the drugs. You had some nightmares, though?"

"I don't know. I don't remember. Did Cody tell you that?"

"He told the nurses you were talking in your sleep. It's noted in the dreaded chart."

"I hate that thing."

"I know you do. But every day that first page gets buried deeper under reports of improvement. You'll get two pages out of this morning alone."

"That's good." But it looked like he was losing interest.

"Murray, do you still want to be dead?" she asked gently.

"Not right now. I want you to turn me loose."

"And what will happen if I do?"

"I—I haven't really thought that far ahead. I think the guys are going to hang around and watch TV."

"You don't have any plans to hurt yourself?"

"I have plans to scratch my nose. Please, this isn't making me feel better."

"I know. But it's keeping you alive. You're too smart for us to trust you very far, Murray. If you want to hurt yourself you can figure out how."

"I can anyway. If I really wanted to I could get hold of that IV line and open it up with my thumbnail. So now you either decide that since I've thought about it, it proves I'm a danger to myself or, because I told you what I'd do, it proves I'm looking to be stopped. Which way are you going to go, Doctor?"

"I don't know, Doctor. I can tell that you're strong and you want to keep going. But you're also impulsive and prone to violent emotions. You leap on an idea without thinking it through, don't you?"

"Sometimes," he conceded, wondering if he should be ashamed.

"Well, that can be dangerous. If you're feeling bad and you get an idea, you might act on it without thinking it through. Does that sound familiar?"

"A little."

"So do you think I'm wrong?"

"I want a compromise." He smiled just a little, tilting his chin up the way he did before going into battle.

"Really? What do you have in mind?"

"Let me take off the restraints when someone's around. Don't make me be helpless in front of my friends."

"And what's in it for me?"

"I'll submit at night and when they're out of the room. I won't make a fuss or anything. And you know I can't walk. It'll be easy to keep things out of my reach."

"You know what, Murray? I think that sounds fair. But only so long as the guys agree. It's a lot of responsibility for them and if you were to somehow hurt yourself anyway, they'd blame themselves."

"Yeah, I—I know that. That's why I'm saying you can restrain me when you have to. At night is when I can't be trusted."

"But it's morning now so you're telling me the truth?"

"Geek's honor."

She laughed, bringing a little smile to his face, and moved smoothly into an examination. Murray was feeling more like himself and he accepted it better than he had yesterday.

"I hope there isn't going to be any lasting damage to your shoulders," she said thoughtfully. "I'll have a physical therapist come look at you in a couple of days."

"Good, that'll be fun," he sighed. "Look, Gem, can I ask you something?"

"I wish you would. But just take one deep breath for me, first."

He did, and then said, "You talk to the guys, right?"

"Some. You told me that I couldn't discuss your condition or treatment with them so I haven't said anything lately."

"Oh. Yes, I forgot about that. Well, would you do something for me if I asked? If I gave you permission?"

"Sure. Anything you like."

"Would you explain it to them? Tell them about the—the compromise?"

"Sure. Anything else?"

"I—I guess whatever they need to know. And maybe tell them that I'm okay. Or at least that I will be. You know, someday."

"So if you're going to be okay, that means you're going to live?"

"I think I'm planning on it."

"I believe you." She finished the exam and laid him down, covering him with the light blanket. "I'll go have a word with the guys and then they'll be in. Do you want something for the pain before I go?"

"Yeah, why not. Is it okay that I want to sleep through this?"

"It is. Tomorrow we'll start cutting back on the medication a little and see how you do."

"If you think it's a good idea. Gem, if I wanted to go home, how much longer would it be?"

"I'm not sure. Another week, maybe. I'd like to see your feet healed up a little first."

"But that won't be too long, right? I mean, it's just cigar burns and—and some…"

"Some what, Murray?"

"I don't know how to say it. Flames, I guess. He had a lighter. When the cigar didn't make me scream, he used the lighter." He spoke slowly, from far away, as if recalling a dream.

"Did the lighter make you scream?" she asked quietly.

"No. Nothing did. Not like they wanted me to. I cried some but I wouldn't scream and they got so angry. I made it worse for myself, I know that, but I couldn't give in. Nick and Cody wouldn't have screamed."

"Those are pretty high standards you set for yourself, Murray."

"I want to be the best man that I can."

"Of course you do. And you are a good man. I hope you know that."

Murray nodded, distracted, and turned to the window.

"Can we stop talking now?"

"Sure. Here, I have a pill for you, and then I'll go talk to your friends."

He turned his head back to swallow the pill, drinking carefully from the cup she held, and then resumed staring at the window.

"They'll be back in a minute," she said and he nodded. The talking had hurt him but it was a good hurt. A little of the poison was drawn from the wound.

"How's he doing?" Cody asked as soon as she stepped through the door.

"Can we go back in?" Nick asked before she could answer.

"He's better, and you can see him in a minute. He wanted me to talk to you both first. And that's the first good news, that he's allowing us to release information. I didn't expect it to happen so fast."

"Murray's used to trusting us," Cody said.

"Obviously. He asked me to trust you with his life and I said I would if you agreed."

The men exchanged a puzzled look and Nick was elected to ask the question.

"Why wouldn't we agree?"

"Because you might fail. I don't think you will or I wouldn't agree to it but in this life anything can happen."

"So what do we need to do?" Nick asked. "It's too early for him to go home, isn't it?"

"Oh yes. By quite a while. But he's asked me to leave his restraints off so long as one of you is with him and I think it's a good idea."

"You do? This time yesterday he was going to kill himself," Nick said, not trying to keep his voice down. Cody put a firm hand on his shoulder and reminded him they were in a hospital. "I know we are. That's why this is so crazy."

"Yesterday you said it was crazy to tie him down after everything he'd been through," Gem smiled.

"Actually, I said that," Cody put in.

"And I agreed," Nick snapped. "But it worked and he—he's taking it all right."

"Yes, he is. The fact that he's taking it tells me that he's coming to his senses and deserves a little trust. Just when you're there, looking right at him. He's promised to be cooperative about wearing them at night and times like this, when he's alone. I think he's being quite reasonable."

"But we can say no?" Nick persisted, against Cody's sighs.

"Yes. If you don't want the responsibility, you can say no. But I don't recommend you do that. He's reaching out in trust and you have to trust him in return."

Nick started to argue and Cody pulled him aside with a gesture to the doctor that begged patience.

"Why are you fighting this?" he hissed. "You can't be in favor of leaving Boz tied up in there like an animal when all we have to do is say _turn him loose_. I'll watch him if you won't but I think she's right. I think he's okay."

"Really? You think he went to sleep all fucked up last night and woke up fine this morning? Is that what you think?"

"Hey, I was _here_ last night. It was long and he didn't sleep through all of it. He's better, Nick. We need to give him credit."

"Yeah, great. We let him die to avoid hurting his feelings."

"He won't die if we do our jobs. And I'm going to, Nick, no matter what you do. If you want to be the dissident and keep him tied up during your watch, that's up to you, but I'm not going to do it."

"What's this _dissident_ shit? Was it on your word a day calendar or something?"

"You know what it means."

"Boys, that's enough," Gem said, smiling but firm. "I think you've reached your decision. Now I suggest you go see Murray before he falls asleep."

Nick was still angry but he put on a smile and followed Cody back into the room. Murray was sleepy and a little anxious, fearing they wouldn't get there in time. When they did, he smiled faintly and closed his eyes.

"Are you going to let me go?" he whispered.

"I'm going to untie you," Cody said. "But you're going to stay right here, okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm staying."

Cody unfastened the restraints and the first thing Murray did was sit up and stretch his arms over his head, holding the IV line in his hand so it wouldn't pull. It hurt his shoulders a little but it was a good hurt and it got better when Cody began to massage them. The bruises were so deep and heavy that he was on blood thinners to make sure they didn't turn into clots that could break free. But Cody worked around them expertly, kneading the tissue above and below, around his bony shoulder blades and down his battered ribs, skipping over the broken ones as naturally as if they were his own.

"That's nice," Murray sighed. "But you forgot to shave me. I was looking forward to that."

"Still plenty of time. Do you want me to do it or Nick?"

"I can do it myself."

"I don't think so, babe. I'm pretty sure Gem didn't mean for us to hand you a razor the first day."

"Cody, what are you saying?" Nick cried.

"No, it's okay," Murray told him. "We made a deal. I submit meekly and I get to stay free."

"All right, lie back and we'll get started. Nick, can you take that—that basin there and fill it with warm water? And bring a washcloth. Did you decide, Boz?"

"You taught me marlinspike," he murmured.

"That's right, I did." He was smiling, his hands gentle on Murray's sore neck as he helped him to lie down. Murray liked Nick's arms and shoulders and his broad, comforting chest, but when it came to simple touching, he liked Cody's hands.

Nick brought the water and the cloth and Cody got to work. He took off Murray's glasses and washed his face tenderly, going over his eyes several times to rinse away the gummy tears. Then he covered the thin cheeks with lather and began to shave. Normally Murray would have been nervous about even a safety razor in the hands of another person but he was so tired and high that it didn't matter. He fell asleep as Cody worked, and in the end only Nick appreciated the good, clean job he did.

"He looks like himself again," Nick said. "Like an angel when he sleeps."

"Yeah, I always thought so. And getting rid of that tube helps a lot. I just hope we can keep him eating."

"We can. He'll do it for us if he won't for himself."

"Everything he did was for us. If he hadn't tried to be so tough and live up to what he thinks our standards are, they might not have hurt him so bad. If he'd just told us where to go—"

"No, Cody, don't do that. If he'd talked, they would have killed him as soon as he was done. They never would have taken him to the meeting place."

"Yeah. It's just…"

"I know. He did it for us and we have to live with that, whether it means anything or not."

"Yeah. Look, I need to get some sleep. I had a long night and since he's sleeping anyway…"

"You should go home for a while. It's okay, I'll watch him."

"You don't mind? I mean, I'm the one who insisted on taking off the restraints; I don't want to leave you with the whole responsibility."

"No, it's okay. You're right, we can't just tie him up. He's a grown man, he's entitled to his dignity. I'll keep a close eye on him."

"Sure, no indignity there."

Cody bent down and kissed the sleeping man on the forehead. His goodbye to Nick was a little longer and a lot more passionate, but Nick was awake.

***

"Cody? Are you there?" He put his hand automatically to his face, not noticing at first that he could. He rubbed his eyes and reached for his glasses, then realized what he was doing. "Cody?"

"It's Nick, Boz. Cody's at home getting a nap. What do you need?"

"My glasses. And some water."

"Oh, you're glasses are right here." He put them on Murray out of habit and received a long suffering sigh for his trouble.

"Sorry. Here, can you manage this?" He poured a cup of water and gave it to Murray, who was impatient to try. But his hand trembled and he spilled half of it on himself.

"Shit," he mumbled and Nick laughed a little. "Shut up. It's cold."

"I know. Here, have a little more and I'll get you a dry gown." He refilled the cup and steadied it with his hand while Murray drank.

"Can I have some more?"

"Wait one minute and see how it settles."

Murray gave him a dirty look.

"You know cold water gives you cramps. Here, let me get you a gown." Nick found one in the bottom of the closet with the extra blankets. But when he returned to Murray's side, he wasn't sure what to do. "How do they get around the IV line?"

"There are snaps on the shoulder. But maybe you should just get a nurse."

"Why, you think I can't handle a few snaps? I might not be able to do marlinspike, whatever that is, but…"

"It's the advanced art of knot tying. And that's not it." Murray looked uncomfortable and suddenly couldn't meet Nick's eyes.

"Then what is it?"

"I—you—you haven't really seen it yet."

"Seen what?" he asked, even though he knew.

"Me. Gem took most of my bandages off this morning. She said the air would help me heal. I know you've seen parts of it, here and there, but altogether it's pretty gruesome."

Nick didn't answer in words. Instead he sat Murray up and untied the back of his gown. He undid the shoulder snaps, laid him down, and pulled back the covers. Murray shivered, more from fear than cold, and Nick touched his arm gently before slipping off the gown. He'd steeled himself thoroughly and didn't so much as twitch an eyebrow when he saw the extent of the damage. But his stomach twisted and even as he smiled he was trying not to be sick. All of Murray's chest and abdomen was a solid mass of bruises, ranging in color from deep black to deep blue. None of them had gotten to the green/yellow phase and from the looks of them, they wouldn't for a long time. A neat surgical incision split him from sternum to pubic bone and razor thin slice marks wrapped around from his back. The ever present burns were almost lost in the bruises but they were more evident lower on his body. For the first time Nick saw a single round burn on his scrotum and that made him wince when the rest of it didn't.

"I wish you wouldn't look at me," Murray said softly, interpreting his expression as a sign of disgust.

"For your sake or mine?"

"Both. I don't want to be seen like this and you don't need it, either. Please."

But Nick didn't seem to hear. He let his fingertips rest on Murray's hip, almost but not quite tickling, and then trailed them down his thigh.

"You really didn't scream?" he asked, pained.

"I—I know what you're looking at and, no, I didn't. I was such a coward, I didn't even feel that one when it happened. I saw it coming and passed out first."

"That doesn't make you a coward," Nick said, laying the new gown over him and fastening the snaps. "You felt the rest of it, I bet. And you're feeling it now."

"I take a lot of drugs now. I never understood before why people did that."

"You do it because you're in terrible pain."

"Yes, but I like how it messes with my head. I don't have to think about things so much. I used to think it was terrible that people used drugs that kept them from thinking straight but now I wonder…"

"You wonder what, Boz?"

"What's in their heads that they can't stand to think about? Will I be able to think about other things again or would I be better off on drugs for the rest of my life?"

"You'll stop the drugs when your body heals," Nick said firmly. "You have too many other things to do with that incredible brain of yours. Let's sit up now so I can finish this." He held Murray gently against his chest and tied the strings down his back.

"You still want to touch me?" came a trembling whisper. "You don't think I'm too gross?"

"I'm always gonna want to touch you. I love you, you're my Boz."

"But—but how can you look at me and not—not think about it?"

"I can't. But what I think about is how lucky I am that you're still here. Whatever scars you have will just remind us how strong you are."

"Really? It—it doesn't make you sick?"

"Not in the way you think."

"But I want—I want things to be normal someday. I want you to look at me like you used to and not think about this at all."

"We will. It'll take a while to stop giving thanks every time we see you, but eventually it'll seem normal. Like your chicken pox scars. I don't think of chicken pox when I see them, they're just part of you."

"Part of me," Murray repeated. "I don't want that."

"I know you don't. Here, lie down, sweetheart." The name that was just between them, as angel was just for Cody.

"Not yet," he whispered. "Could you just hold me for a minute? Do you mind?" His voice broke and he shuddered with repressed sobs.

"Sure. For as long as you want."

The combination of gentle words and the kind hands on his back broke through Murray's last reserve and the tears escaped before he could pull back. Nick held on a little tighter, careful not to hurt him or let him get away.

"Go on and cry, it's okay," he said and Murray did. But this time he didn't lose control, even when he realized Nick was crying, too. The guys had tried so hard not to do that, not to cry in front of him and make him feel bad, but this was different. They were two friends crying together over something that hurt them both and neither was to blame.


	5. One or Two?

It was a week after that when Murray got out of bed and took his first steps on tender, peeling feet. Nick and Cody held his arms, Nick pushing the IV stand along with them, and walked him into the bathroom where he asked to be alone. He'd been more himself lately, and for the last three nights Gem had let him sleep without restraints. It made Nick and Cody nervous and they rested less than ever, waking constantly to make sure he still slept, and determined to be awake every minute that he was. But Murray laughed at their nerves, teased them for their watchfulness, and never said or did anything to arouse their fears.

"Let him go," Gem said. "He can have a little privacy if he wants."

They looked at her worriedly but Murray gave them a wink and closed the door. He wanted to lock it but he knew his friends. If he did that, they'd hear and break it down in a second. If he left it unlocked he could have a few minutes. It was nice using the toilet instead of a bedpan and nicer still to find that the bleeding had finally stopped for good. That had been the worst part of having the nurses help him, knowing that they saw and that they understood.

He washed his hands and then leaned on the sink, gripping it with his hands as he studied his face in the mirror. It was also the first time he'd seen a mirror since it happened and, from what he saw now, he was glad he'd waited. His face was all blue bruises, fading to green in some places, making him look ill. There were stitches above his left eye and he expected to have a scar. Well, maybe it would make him look tough. He adjusted his glasses, took a deep breath, and reached back with his right hand to untie the string at his neck. The gown slid down his arms and he pulled the second tie loose. His right arm came free and the gown gathered at his left wrist, caught on the IV line.

Murray ignored it and studied the reflection of his body, instead. Bruises and stitches, just like his face. Roadmaps of pain crisscrossed the dark waters and _schwarz Wald_ of his chest. He liked that phrase of Gem's, but it meant something else to him. He wasn't _in_ the black forest, he _was_ the forest. It was in him, grown in his body, fed by his flesh. He could see it under his skin. When he healed, the forest would die. Already it was going green around the edges and green, which meant life in all other forests, meant death to this one. He wished he could cut it out, prune it back like a diseased tree, but this one must die on its own.

He stepped back a little and examined his lower body in the mirror. The burn marks there bothered him more than the others. Maybe because the location was more private, and that was saying a lot for a man who hardly showed any of his body, or maybe because the guys would focus on them more. Or maybe it was just more painful on the extra sensitive skin. Murray snorted and shook his head. He was a scientist. He knew the evils of rationalization. It bothered him more because they'd attacked his manhood. He'd never felt like much of a man, not like he wanted to be, and his kidnappers had seen it right away. He suspected everyone did. It hurt because ever since his friends had taken him into their bed, he had felt like that was changing. Being loved by men like them had made him feel like more of a man. Like he was fit to be their equal. It saddened him that it didn't seem to show. He was sure no one would have done this to Nick or Cody. Beaten and burned them, maybe, but not this. He touched himself lightly, felt the peeling scabs and sighed. He wondered what his back looked like.

"Hey, Murray," Nick called, knocking on the door. "You okay in there?"

"Yeah, just a minute." He pulled the flimsy gown back on and leaned his hip against the sink while he tried to tie it. It was much harder to do than he thought, requiring both hands, and he got tangled up in the IV tubing.

"Nick?" he called, soft and embarrassed, and the door burst open. Nick and Cody nearly fell into the bathroom and he laughed before he could stop himself.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just took this thing off and now I can't get it—back—right. Why are you looking at me like that?"

Nick hadn't slept more than an hour at a time in the last week without dreaming of Murray dying in his arms and the innocent look on the thin face had him torn between laughing and yelling. He wanted to yell but suddenly it was so familiar, so normal, that he had to laugh.

"I know, very funny. Just help me, will you?"

"Sure, buddy, calm down." Nick untangled the IV and tied the gown. "Not marlinspike quality, I'm sure, but it'll do. You ready to go back to bed?"

"Yeah. My feet are starting to hurt."

"What were you doing?" Cody asked, stepping forward and taking his arm.

"I—I just wanted to see what I look like now."

"Yeah? What did you think?"

"It's not that good."

Nick threw Cody a look behind Murray's back, as if telling him he shouldn't have asked. Cody half shrugged and they walked Murray back to bed.

"You know it's gonna get better, don't you, Boz?" Nick asked as they settled him in.

"Yeah, I know. It's okay, I'm not—upset."

"You're not?" Cody asked and Nick gave him that look again.

"No, you're right. It'll get better. And it's not like I wasn't skinny and funny looking before, right?"

"Murray, we always thought you were beautiful," Cody said quietly. He looked up quickly, not to see the truth on Cody's face but to gauge the reaction on Gem's. If she was laughing—But she smiled and he smiled back, blushing absurdly.

"I never was," he said, taking off his glasses and closing his eyes. "Gem, will I be released soon?"

"I think so. Not tomorrow, but maybe the day after."

"Really?" Not opening his eyes, not terribly interested.

"Yes, really. The physical therapist likes your progress and you can walk, at least a little. Do you walk much at home?"

"If we have a case. Otherwise I don't leave the boat much."

"He doesn't leave his office much," Nick said. "Sits in front of his computer and builds little electronic doohickeys that no one understands."

"No one on the boat, which is hardly no one," Murray said calmly. "I have patents on more widely used _doohickeys_ than you have socks."

"That's probably true, Nick. But we can stop at K-Mart on the way home and get you some more socks if you want."

"Who's talking to you?"

"Okay, boys, I think I understand," Gem interrupted. She'd seen quite a few of these almost-arguments and knew they could go on for hours if not properly handled. "Let's make sure Murray can sit up and walk around a little bit more and then you can take him home. But I probably don't have to tell you to be careful. Watch him on stairs—"

"And on deck," Cody muttered.

"Yes, don't let him fall overboard. And no running down suspects for a while."

"I wish you'd taped my ribs," Murray said, commenting rather than reproving.

"You think that but you'd have changed your mind when it started to irritate your other injuries."

"That's why it's a wish, not a request. It'll be a long time before I do anything besides sit at my computer, won't it?"

"A few weeks. Six or seven, maybe."

"That's okay," Cody said in his most supportive tone. "You can still go on stakeouts and man the radio."

"Sure, all I do is stay in the car anyway."

They all looked at each other, trying to decide if he was joking or actually bitter. As the silence went on too long, Murray opened his eyes.

"Guys? Is something wrong?"

"No," Nick said quickly. "You know, you're going to be doing a lot of stuff. You'll be as busy as ever in no time…"

"I know. Don't worry about it. Gem, is it too early for another pill?"

"Are you feet hurting?" she asked, uncovering them for a brief inspection.

"Some. Mostly it's my chest." He meant more than that but she understood. Over the past week she'd built a real bond with the friendly scientist, who was so transparent it was difficult _not_ to understand him most of the time. She wished she'd met him under different circumstances, at a conference or something. If she weren't witnessing his greatest humiliation, he might have wanted to be friends.

"One or two?" she asked, smoothing the blankets over his lower legs. It was their little code. One meant he was just in pain, because one was enough to dull it and leave his head clear. Two meant that he was overwhelmed and needed to escape the pain in his mind as much as that in his body.

"Two, please," he whispered and closed his eyes again.

"Is it that bad?" Cody asked, sounding terribly worried.

"He skimped earlier," Gem said before Murray had to answer. "It catches up, you know. I'll go get them."

"Are you really okay?" Nick asked when she was gone.

"I'm fine. I just hurt and I need to rest. It's no big deal." But he sounded frustrated, almost angry, and Cody motioned Nick away from the bed.

Out of earshot, he whispered, "What do you think?"

"I don't know. She wouldn't give them if it wasn't okay, right?"

"No, but now that he's on oral meds—do we know he's taking them?"

"Why would he be asking for them if he wasn't?"

"Because if he's not doing as well as he wants us to think, he might be saving them up."

"You're kidding, right?" Nick asked coldly.

"You're the one who didn't want to let him watch TV without full restraints."

"A week ago. He's better now, Cody. Anyone can see that."

"Yeah, I hope so."

"You don't believe it? I'll prove it if you want."

"Yeah, I'd like to see that."

"Guys, what are you whispering about?" Murray called. "It had better not be me."

"No, Nick was just daring me to put the moves on your doctor. He thinks I want to start dating girls again."

Nick punched Cody's bicep hard enough to make him duck away. Cody slid over to the bed and sat down by Murray's hip where fighting was off limits.

"If you're going to talk about me, at least go out in the hall."

"Sure, we'll remember that from now on," Nick said. "Just, are you okay?"

"As good as I can be without my drugs. Give me a break, guys. Stop worrying so much. It makes me tired."

"Sure, sorry," Cody said, rubbing Murray's bony knee through the blanket. But Nick had said he could prove Murray was telling the truth and Cody still wanted to see it. Gem brought the pills and Murray put them in his mouth, taking a drink of water to wash them down. Cody gave Nick a look that said clearly _that's your proof?_ and Nick smiled. He edged Cody out of the way and leaned down, took Murray's face between his hands and kissed him, long and deep. Gem was staring and even Cody was embarrassed when he finally straightened up, leaving Murray flushed and breathless.

"Trust me," Nick said smugly. "They're not in there."

"Can I check next time?" Cody asked faintly.

"Sure. We'll take turns. Like always." Murray gave Nick a look and received a wink in return that made him smile so that was all right.

"Well," Gem said, a little awkwardly, "it looks like you have things under control here. I'll check back this evening, Murray. Call the nurse if you need anything."

"I will," he said, still gasping for breath. "But I think we're okay."

Everyone agreed but as soon as Murray was asleep, Cody sprang into action. He slipped his hand under the pillow and felt around carefully, hushing Murray when he stirred. There was nothing there so he turned to the bedside table.

"What are you doing?" Nick hissed in a whisper.

"I'm making sure. We're responsible, remember?" He pulled out the drawer and all the way in the back was a wad of tissue.

"What, the guy blows his nose and you want to search it?"

"If he'd blown his nose, he would have thrown it away." Cody uncrumpled it carefully, knowing what he'd find. "Look at this, Nick."

"Ah fuck. There's, what, fifteen? Twenty?"

"About that. What're we going to do?"

"Get the doctor." They both turned toward the door, and then back to Murray. "I'll stay here, you get Gem." Cody ran out the door, heart pounding, and Nick, only a little less afraid, sat on the edge of the bed. He looked with longing at the soft restraints, still attached to the bed, just in case. It was all on him, he hadn't caught the lies and tricks and if Murray died it would be his fault. _Why, Boz?_ he thought, both sad and angry. _You were getting better_. His hands itched to bind his friend safely again and instead he picked up Murray's hand and held it tight.

Cody caught Gem coming out of a room down the hall and dragged her back without taking time to explain. From the look on his face she didn't think it wise to try and make him. When she saw how Nick reflected and magnified that expression she was actively frightened.

"What's going on?" she asked, already lifting Murray's eyelids and checking his pulse.

"This," Cody said shortly, shoving the tissue into her hand. "I found them in his drawer."

"Oh. Yes, I understand. Why don't you put those back where they were and then we'll step outside for a minute."

"Will he be all right?" Nick asked, not wanting to leave his friend.

"I think so. He shouldn't wake."

In the hall, she closed the door and glanced around to make sure they were unobserved.

"I don't want to risk him overhearing this because it's important for him to think you trust him. I don't say he needs to _know_ you trust him because obviously you don't. But that won't help him."

"How can we trust him when he's hoarding pills like a fucking junkie?" Cody cried in a whisper. "He weighs a hundred and twenty pounds; what would happen if he took all those pills?"

"I expect it would kill him," she said calmly. "But I don't think that's what they're for. Obviously we don't like this kind of behavior, it's dangerous and it messes with the bookkeeping, but it's not uncommon in people like—well—people like Murray."

"What does that mean, like Murray?" Nick asked dangerously.

"People who are very intelligent, very well educated and used to doing things their own way. He's seeking control in a situation where he has none. He's been beaten and humiliated and when he comes to us for help, we tie him up. It's natural that he's seizing control wherever he can. Some people do it by refusing food, some stop cooperating with their doctors, and others check out and go home before they should. Murray's smart enough to have chosen the method that will actually hurt him the least."

"I don't understand that. How's ODing better than skipping a meal?" Cody snapped.

"Well, like you said, he weighs a hundred and twenty pounds. He can't skip a meal, can he? But he can hoard the pills without taking them."

"You think that's what this is?" Nick asked. "He's not going to take them?"

"I think that only Murray knows for sure and you should ask him. Tell him you found the pills and you want to know what they're for but don't get angry. Don't let him see this level of distrust."

"You're really making this about _us_?"

"I think it mostly is. Go watch TV and when he wakes up, have a conversation. You're the ones who told me geeks don't lie."

"Yeah, we'll see," Cody muttered.

"Does he really only weigh one twenty?" Nick asked no one in particular.

"His license says one thirty five but he's lost weight since he's been here."

"Poor guy. All right, we'll go watch some more cartoons. You know, this Superstation TBS is a real godsend. I haven't seen _The Flintstones_ in years."

"You're a real high culture guy, Nick."

"Gotta take it where you find it. Thanks, Gem. We'll try to dial it down."

"Good. But if he gives you the wrong answer, or you think he's lying, tell the nurse to call me. I don't think it'll turn out that way but just in case."

"Yeah, we will. Thanks," Cody said and they went back inside.

***

Murray woke when the nurse came in with his lunch. He was eating soft food now and though he didn't like it, he ate obediently. It was one more task to perform if he wanted to leave, like physical therapy and chest x-rays. But Nick and Cody were watching him as closely as they had the first time his restraints were removed, and he was confused.

"Is something wrong, guys? Do you want some of my meatloaf? It's not very good."

"No thanks," Nick said, moving his chair closer to the bed. Cody did the same on the other side and Murray began to get tense.

"So what's going on? Did—did Gem say something? Is there something wrong with my tests?"

"No, no, calm down," Cody said, patting his arm. "We just need to ask you about something."

"Oh. Well, I've been asleep, I don't know anything."

"Yeah, you do, Boz. I was looking around a while ago and I found a bunch of pills in your drawer there. We were kind of hoping you'd tell us what they're for."

"You were looking around? What were you looking for, Cody?"

"Well, pills. I was wondering if you were really taking all they give you and you're not. Would you mind telling me why?"

Murray clenched his jaw and swallowed hard. They loved him so much and he appreciated it, but it also made him nuts.

"Did you take them away?" he asked. That answer would determine how angry he got.

"No. They're right where you left them."

Murray looked at Cody for a long time, then turned his eyes to Nick.

"You want to know what the pills are for, Nick?"

"I admit I'm a little curious."

"I get scared. I don't like to say anything but sometimes it hurts so bad I can't stand it and—and I'm afraid that one time when I'm hurting like, that no one will come. It might start when you're out of the room, or asleep, or the nurses will be too busy and—and it scares me. So sometimes I ask for two when I only need one and I save the extra. It makes me feel better, knowing they're there," he confessed, all shame and humility.

"Oh, Murray," Cody sighed. "We should have known that. I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, me too," Nick said. "It seems kind of obvious now." He gave Cody an I-told-you-so glance and kissed Murray's hand.

"I thought if you found them, you'd realize that's what I was doing and at least get mad over the right thing."

"No one's mad at you, Boz," Cody insisted. "We just had to ask. And—well—we asked Gem what she thought."

"Great. That's just great, guys, thanks."

"I think she understood better than we did," Nick said. "I got the idea she means for you to keep them."

"Yeah, I got that, too. So, has it happened yet?"

"Has what happened?"

"Have you had to take pills from the drawer because no one came?"

"Just twice. Once I was alone and once you were sleeping and I just didn't want to bother you."

"Gem said you were looking for control," Nick said carefully. "Does it make you feel better to choose not to ask when you're in pain?"

"A little. And I feel more in control knowing that I can have an extra whenever I want it. It doesn't mean I intend to hurt myself."

The guys exchanged a glance and each saw his thoughts in the other's eyes.

"Yeah, I can understand that," Nick said slowly. "I'm sorry we didn't think of it ourselves."

"It's okay. I guess I must have really scared you before and I'm sorry about that. I sure hope I can get your trust back."

"Murray, it's not your fault," Cody said, pulling him into a gentle hug. "No one blames you."

"Some of it is. I said I wanted to die and I meant it."

"But you don't now?"

"No. But if you don't believe me, I understand. I keep thinking about how scared I'd be in your place, not knowing what was going on inside my head. Or your head. You know what I mean. Anyway, it makes me feel really bad for what I put you through."

"Stop thinking about us so much," Cody murmured. "We can take care of ourselves, okay?"

"But you were so upset."

"We were. We're not now, so you can stop worrying about it."

"Cody's right, man. We all need to worry less."

"Yeah, okay. So maybe I should just eat my lunch now?"

"Good idea," Nick laughed. "Let him go, Cody, before he starves to death."

Cody got up and Murray went back to picking at his meatloaf. It was cold now, but he had to do his part.

***

Cody went home after lunch to take a nap and Nick fell asleep in the chair by Murray's bed. Murray found it funny that he was the only one awake, that they'd gone from stark panic to napping in under an hour, but he was glad. It hurt him to panic them that way, even if it was a little flattering that they cared so much.

He flipped through the channels, looking for a good game show or something. He settled on PBS, which was showing a Nova rerun, and hoped Nick wouldn't wake up before it was over. But he didn't get to see the end anyway. A knock on the door made him turn down the volume and look around expectantly. Cody wouldn't knock and he didn't know who else would come. When he saw Lieutenant Quinlan he turned cold and faint. For a second he thought he might throw up and then his face was burning.

"Bozinsky," Quinlan said cheerfully. "You look better than the last time I saw you."

"That can't be saying much. Don't wake up Nick, okay?"

"Wouldn't dream of it." He sat down in Cody's chair and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. It would never show on his face but Quinlan was stunned to see his favorite geek in such bad shape, even if it was an improvement. If he'd known how Nick longed for gunships that day in the desert he would have agreed wholeheartedly.

"So, what do you want?"

"Not in a very good mood today, are you?"

Murray was suddenly miserable and found himself blinking back tears.

"It's been a bad week," he said simply. "Did you just come to gloat or what?"

"Actually, no. I don't mean to give you shit, it's just habit. The reason I came is that the DA's talking about making a deal with those guys who took you."

"A deal?" His voice splintered and Nick leapt awake.

"What's going on? What're you doing here, Lieutenant?"

"Came to talk business with Bozinsky. You want to take a walk?"

"That okay with you, Murray?" he asked, expecting to be told to stay.

"Yeah, I think you'd better," Murray said slowly. "Give us ten minutes, okay?"

"Whatever you say. Quinlan, you stay 'til I get back."

"I take orders from you now, Ryder?"

"If you're gonna upset him you can't leave him alone," Nick said and went out.

"That bad, huh?" Quinlan asked with a trace of sympathy.

"Well, I'm not technically on suicide watch anymore but they still—they still watch me pretty close."

"I'm not surprised. I've lost suspects in the past because the victims killed themselves before the trial. Really pisses me off, too. But you're not gonna do that, are you?"

"No. Except if they make a deal, there's no trial, right?"

"That's right. The DA wanted to talk to you about it and I said I'd fill you in, since we're such good friends."

The irony confused Murray and he let it go.

"So what are they offering?"

"Fifty years, with possibility of parole after twenty five. But that's just on the charges concerning you. There's still the original sentence and the escape. So all together Todd's looking at life, whether you go to trial or not."

"So you think I should sign off on it and let the DA make his deal? Is that what you came to tell me?"

"To put it in words you can understand, yes. I think you should."

"Why? Why'd you come all the way down here to tell me something the DA was going to tell me anyway, which doesn't really concern you? You did come to gloat. Jesus, didn't you get a good enough look before?"

"Shut up, Bozinsky. You think I take pleasure in that kind of thing? Oh, don't get me wrong, I know what you are. You guys think you're doing a good job being sneaky but I know. Thing is, I don't care. You served your country, you pay your taxes and every once in a while you accidentally catch a criminal and save me the trouble. So I got no problem with whatever you and your buddies do on that boat after the sun goes down, so long as I don't have to hear about it."

"Lieutenant, do we have to—"

"Didn't I tell you to shut up? Here's the point. You go to trial and all your secrets are gonna come out and it's not gonna be good for you. In fact, the sentiment being what it is right now, you could wreck the case singlehandedly just by showing up. Juries don't like queers and when they hear what happened, there's a real good chance they'll decide it wasn't a crime at all. Maybe it was just a little game that got out of hand, or you were fooling around and your boyfriends got jealous and wanted revenge. You see what I'm saying?"

Murray was too mortified for words. He'd never even thought of that. He nodded, cheeks burning, wishing he'd died two weeks ago, before he ever found out how bad how life could be.

"Right now the defense attorneys don't know about your, shall we say, weak spot. And if you agree to this deal, they won't have to. The bad guys can go to prison and you can go back to being whatever it is you are."

"If I don't agree, will you tell? You can wreck my case without me even showing up and still get Todd on the other charges."

"Hell no. I can't get the others without you or the deal and I don't want people who do shit like that getting away with it. Use your head, Bozinsky."

"So it really is about the case? You want to make sure they don't get anything on me that they can use to turn it around at trial?"

"Isn't that what I've been saying? I'm not joking. Once the defense finds out, you're finished. No one's going to hear a word you say and those guys'll get off. I'm telling it to you straight, Bozinsky. Think it over if you need to, but the DA's coming over tomorrow and he'll want an answer."

"Sounds like there's only one I can give. But people are going to think I did it so I wouldn't have to testify. They'll think I'm a coward."

"Maybe. And if you make your decision based on what people are going to think, you are. Putting these guys away is the right thing to do."

"Shit." He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, a gesture that always tugged at Quinlan's heart a little. It was sad and vulnerable at the best of times and today it was flat out defeated. "All right, I'll do it. I didn't really want to testify anyway."

"Good man. I'll tell Bradbury to bring the paperwork over tomorrow. You have a release date yet?"

"Couple days, maybe. Lieutenant, are people talking about me? I mean, is it—news?"

"Oh yeah. Dr. Murray Bozinsky gets kidnapped, it's news. But you ought to know that. You've got so many cards in here, it looks like a Hallmark store." He paused and cleared his throat. "It's gonna blow over, kid. And it's not like you need to impress the girls, right? What do you care what people say?"

Murray laughed nervously.

"I guess I just don't want to be a topic of gossip. And I don't want to hurt the agency. If people knew, they might not hire us."

"I think a lot of people do know," Quinlan grinned, enjoying Murray's surprise entirely too much. "But you're not too obvious, not too weird, so no one minds much. Not like they'd mind if you let those scumbags get off."

"Yes, I—I understand. I sign the papers, go home and keep my mouth shut. Is that about it?"

"Ideally, yes. We'll all be quiet and you'll be an old man before those turkeys see the light of day again."

Murray nodded, still blushing, and Quinlan looked away. Throwing Bozinsky in jail, or even letting him get his nose busted, could be amusing but this was painful. He might be a geek and a queer but he was still a man.

"All right. Thank you for coming and telling me in person. I appreciate it."

"Yeah, well, I figured you'd listen to me a little better than you would a stranger. But I gotta get going. Where's Ryder got to?"

"He's probably getting some coffee. They really don't leave me alone at all so he has to do things whenever he can."

"They really think you're gonna kill yourself?" he asked, showing a little interest in spite of his best efforts.

"I—when, uh, I was first awake, I said a lot of things I shouldn't have. Well, except that if I hadn't, they wouldn't have known and I might have done it. I'm feeling better now but a lot of the trust is gone."

"You'll get it back." Quinlan was thinking of what Murray had looked like in the basement, how close to dead he'd been that day. He figured since the kid made it this far he'd be okay.

"Yes, I think so," Murray said seriously. "It'll just take a while to prove myself."

"You know, people would respect you more if you weren't always trying to prove yourself to those jerkoffs."

"Lieutenant, they're my best friends."

"And trying to be what they want hasn't gotten you much, has it?"

"They came for me," he said flatly.

"They got you into it."

"So it all evens out. Lieutenant, I don't want to talk about this anymore. You can go if you want."

"No, I said I'd stay."

There was a long silence and Murray spent most of it looking out the window. He didn't feel like Quinlan was being malicious, but he still didn't want to hear any more. It was a big relief when Nick came back and Quinlan finally said goodbye.

"Do I want to know what that was about?" Nick took the chair closest to the bed and picked up Murray's hand when he didn't answer. "Boz, what did he want? If he was just here to give you shit, I'll kill him. There's no excuse for that."

"No, it—it was important. I'll tell you about it when Cody gets here. I only want to tell it once."

"Murray, what is it?" he pressed, suddenly scared.

"It's nothing. I mean, it's important but it can wait. And I really only want to talk about it once, okay?"

"Are you sure? There aren't going to be any more surprises coming through that door today?"

"Not that I know of. It's okay, Nick. Just watch your cartoons." Murray offered a small smile that tried to be reassuring but was actually kind of sad. Then he went back to staring at the window. He couldn't see the ground from where he lay and there was nothing in the sky. Mostly he studied the imperfections of the window itself. They seemed to grow and magnify every day.

"I'm going to call him," Nick said, reaching for the phone.

"Don't wake him up. He had a long night."

"Murray, please, don't make me call Quinlan."

"Stop it," he shouted. "Just stop badgering me. If I could tell you I would but—but I only want to do it _once_." He seemed to crumple, as if the outburst had broken his bones, and by the time Nick got up, he was gasping for breath.

"Hey, calm down, Boz," he said, stroking Murray's face softly. "I'm sorry, I'll drop it. Murray, sweetheart, don't cry."

"It never stops," he sobbed, pressing his cheek into Nick's hand. "It's never going to be over."

"Yes, it will. It's been a week, sweetheart, it's gonna get better."

"I keep telling myself that," Murray sighed, nestling into the palm of Nick's hand. "I keep saying _everything after this has to get better_ and then something totally unexpected just springs out at me. I feel like I'm out at sea, all alone, in an inflatable raft."

"But you're not. You're here and we're together and whatever jumps out you, I'll help you handle it."

"I—I know that, Nick. And I will. I just need to think it over first. And I want to wait for Cody."

"Sure, okay. Just answer me one question. Did Quinlan threaten you with anything? Is he trying to twist your arm?"

"No. No, he just told me the truth. It was decent of him, really."

"That doesn't sound like Quinlan to me."

"Sometimes we have the same goals." He closed his eyes and reached awkwardly with his left hand to take off his glasses. Nick tried to take them and Murray's hand closed into a protective fist.

"All right, you hold onto those if you want. I love you, babe."

"I know. I love you, too." After a long time he turned toward the window again and Nick sat down to wait.


	6. Schwarz Wald

Cody returned after lunch. Murray hadn't eaten much and Nick was annoyed. It felt like walking into an armed standoff but the mood changed as soon as he arrived.

"Okay, he's here," Nick said. "Now start talking."

"Something going on, guys?"

"Quinlan was in this morning for a private chat with Murray and he won't tell me what it's about."

"I wanted to wait and only do it once. Sit down, Cody, before Nick's head explodes."

"What would Quinlan want with you now?" Cody asked, pulling up a chair.

"The DA's cutting a deal with my kidnappers," he said flatly.

"A deal? What kind of a deal?" Nick was even more outraged than Murray had been but Murray, feeling calm about it now, waved him aside.

"Todd's going to be tried for escaping and he'll have to serve his other sentence but none of them are going to trial over me. Quinlan says they'll serve twenty five years for sure, and maybe as much as fifty. And in return I don't have to testify."

"So they're doing it for you?"

"No. The DA thinks that if the jury sees me as queer they'll be less likely to convict. It's supposed to be up to me, but I don't have much choice. If I do the heroic thing and testify in court it'll probably be for nothing. If I agree to the deal, at least they go away for a while."

"Jeez, that stinks," Cody said. "I know you didn't want to testify but—telling you that you can't, that's just wrong."

"No, I _can_. I just _shouldn't_. What's wrong is the fact that some people might think what happened to me isn't a crime just because it happened to _me_. Just because I sleep with men at home, that means I'll put out for anyone, any time. Either I'm a slut or a deviant and either way I had it coming."

"Is that what Quinlan said?" Cody asked, still looking for someone to blame.

"No, he was really very nice. You know, for Quinlan. He just told me the truth and he's right. You know what the world is like. People would think that."

Nick and Cody exchanged a look across the bed and rose in unison. They sat on the edge of the bed and picked up his hands, their bodies filling his field of vision.

"Murray, no one who knows you would believe that," Nick said quietly. "You're right, it's not fair. You should be able to tell the truth and be listened to, and it'll happen. It's the eighties, things are changing. For now you have to concentrate of doing what's best for you. Those guys are going to go to prison and you can put all this behind you."

"But—what about everyone else? What about the people who don't have allies like Quinlan or good reputations with the DA? And if I can't testify, if I have to hide from the courts like a criminal, then what about me? What if it happens again?"

"Murray, it was a fluke," Cody said, hoping it was true. "Those guys were out to get us and they saw an opportunity. That doesn't mean anyone else would think of it. Besides, it takes a special kind of freak to do that to another man and I don't think there are a lot of them out there." He looked to Nick, who was nodding agreement.

"He's right. Those guys were freaks and they're going away. But what happens to other people, I don't know. You're right about that, it's not fair. I guess they have to go to court and take their chances. After enough of them do, people will start paying attention. Women and minorities went through the same thing."

"You know, as a scientist I've always been part of a minority but I'm used to being respected. At least since I got out of high school and people stopped calling me squirrel. I never wanted to be _gay_. I'm not an activist. I just fell in love."

"I know," Nick said gently. "That's true of all of us. But the odds are that that didn't have anything to do with those guys assaulting you. They were freaks; they probably would have done it to anyone."

"Yeah, probably," he sighed. "But a married man with kids and a house in the suburbs could go to court and hope to be believed."

"Maybe," Cody shrugged. "And maybe that guy would be secretly gay and live up to all the stereotypes they want to put on you. You just never know."

"That's right," Nick put in. "So you don't need to feel bad about agreeing to this deal. You get to put them in prison and still get your life back. It's a win/win proposition."

"Then why does it feel like a copout?"

"Because you're a good man with a lot of integrity and you want to do the right thing. But this time the right thing and the easy thing are the same thing. That almost never happens and I think you should take it."

Murray sat up and withdrew his hands so he could take off his glasses and rub his eyes. He was so tired of all this, so completely sick of the pain and humiliation and the constant questioning of his very humanity. All of it made him sick. Suddenly he saw the answer more clearly than he ever had before. Everyone had been telling it to him and he'd put it aside, not seeing how it could solve his problems. Now he knew it was the only answer and, very softly, he spoke the words his friends had been waiting a week to hear.

"I want to go home."

"Pretty soon, Boz," Nick said quietly. "Pretty soon."

***

The District Attorney came the next day and explained the deal in more detail. Murray spoke to him alone, not wanting to give up any more of his private life than he already had, and in the end, signed off without too many misgivings. But when he was gone, Murray wouldn't talk about it and he stared at the window most of the afternoon.

"Are we going backward here?" Nick asked, ostensibly of Cody, but both of them looked to Murray for an answer that didn't come.

"I don't know, Nick. Are we?"

"Murray, what do you think? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm just tired. I had physical therapy this morning and—and it's just been a long day. I think I'll ask the nurse for a pill and then take a little nap." He pushed the call button before his friends could reply and when the nurse came he asked for two. She checked his chart, not seeing how it made him wince, and said she'd be right back.

"What's hurting you, Boz?" Cody asked, getting to his feet.

"Just my back and shoulders. Therapy was rough today, it's no big deal."

"You want me to give you a little massage?"

"If you want to." He sat up and leaned forward against bent knees. Cody untied the top of his gown and ran tickling fingers across bruised flesh. Murray laughed in spite of himself, giving them a little relief. He felt their tension and though he did nothing to ease it, he didn't want to make it worse. He wasn't trying to hold back, he was just too tired to put anything else forward. Even Cody's hands, normally so good at waking him up, just relaxed him into a deeper feeling of lethargy. The gentle pain of fingers digging into tight muscle made him moan and each time he felt a little more life leave his body, as if he were breathing it out. When the nurse returned, he took the pills and let Cody continue working on his back. It did felt wonderful and he didn't want to stop, but after a few minutes he started to cry. Cody asked if he was hurt and he said no. Nick tried to comfort him and he folded his arms on his knees and buried his face in them.

_What do I do?_ Cody mouthed silently and Nick indicated with a nod that he should keep up what he was doing. It was hard to decide if Murray was expressing relief or building up some new horror in his head and until he told them they wouldn't know. So Cody rubbed his back, Nick stroked his bony legs and Murray sobbed with his arms wrapped around his head. They both spoke stray words of comfort and love that went unheard until he wore himself out and lay down again, pale and drained.

"Okay, Boz?" Cody asked, fixing his gown.

"I'm okay. It's all catching up with me, I guess. Going home and giving up the trial. Can you hand me a tissue, Nick?"

"The box is empty. Hang on, I'll go see if they have any at the nurse's station," he said, almost eager for an excuse to leave the room.

"Cody, is there any water?"

"No. Jeez, we're out of everything at once. Nick—" But he was already gone. "I can get you some from the bathroom or I can go ask the nurse for ice. What do you prefer, angel?"

"Ice, please," Murray smiled, wiping his eyes with his hand. "Thank you."

"You got it." Cody turned to the door and Murray's smile disappeared. He hadn't planned it but the idea sprang into his head then and it was perfect. Better than most of his plans. The door closed behind his friend and Murray reached for the bedside table. In a little while he wouldn't have to think so much.

***

Nick was dozing in his chair and Cody was watching TV when a new sound caught his attention. It was as if Murray had caught his breath, stifling a gasp or a sob, and Cody turned to him, puzzled. He'd been asleep for half an hour and so far as Cody could tell he still was. But his face seemed paler, almost blue around his lips and eyelids, and then that sound came again. A tiny hitch as Murray inhaled, his chest not rising at all. Cody waited for his next breath, sweat suddenly beading on his forehead. But it wasn't hot in the room. Murray wasn't sweating. In fact, he looked—cold. Cody stepped closer, still waiting for that breath. It didn't come.

"Murray," he shouted, panicked. Without thinking, he grabbed the skinny man by his shoulders and shook him. Murray moaned unconsciously and Cody slapped him briskly across the face.

"What the hell are you doing?" Nick cried, roused by the noise.

"He's not breathing. Go get help. Go now."

"Not—why—?"

"I don't know, just go," Cody yelled. He shook Murray again and was rewarded with another small moan. He badly wanted to avoid CPR if he could, in the interest of the broken ribs. In spite of his words, he thought he knew what had happened and if Murray could just be kept awake he would probably keep breathing. Nick ran shouting into the hall and returned immediately with two nurses. One went back out at once for reinforcements and then ordered Nick and Cody out of the room. They didn't fight, she needed to be free to do her job, but it was with reluctance that they stayed in the hall. If Gem hadn't appeared so quickly they might have snuck back in but they trusted her. She would fix it, as she had fixed so many other things this week. And then they'd kill her for letting it happen.

"Was it the pills?" Nick asked, pacing the hall. "Did he—did he take the pills?"

"I think so. But he didn't plan it. I mean, we'd have seen it if he had, right? It must have just popped into his head when we were out of the room, like she said."

A cluster of people came running, pushing a cart full of equipment, and the guys got out of the way.

"Shit. Cody, why would he do it? He's going home tomorrow and he was—he was happy about it this morning. Things were about to get a lot better. Why today?"

"I don't know. Maybe he got scared. Or maybe the DA upset him. He really took it hard, that whole thing about not going to trial. You know how he likes to point out the bad guys in court and get justice for everyone."

"Yeah, everyone else. Why is it always him? Why does the little guy have to suffer so much?"

Cody slipped an arm around him and pulled him close. Nick rested his head on the broad shoulder, breathing deep the scent of Canoe and the underlying maleness that was inherent to the man he loved.

"What if he can't go home tomorrow?"

"If he's going to do this, Nick, maybe he shouldn't. Do you want to have to deal with it if it happens on the boat?"

"He won't do it again. I'll tie him to the bed myself if I have to."

"Yeah. You were right, I took it too lightly. I just never thought—I couldn't believe that—I mean, it's _Murray_. Murray _Bozinsky_. Guys like him don't kill themselves." Cody felt like if he could just say it often enough it would be true and Nick understood.

"Maybe geeks do lie," he sighed and straightened up. "Maybe any man would try it at least once. I wouldn't say it in front of him but—you know—I would."

"Really?"

"Probably. Come on, man, think about it. How much pride would you have left? Would it be enough to live on?"

"I don't know," Cody said slowly. "Maybe not. But that's us. We were soldiers, you're a pilot, we're all about the manly image."

"Murray was a soldier."

"A desk colonel, not a combat soldier or a line officer. His pride's in his work and his work is obscure and geeky. I'd think brain damage would be a bigger source of shame than anything purely physical."

"Well, I don't know. I never went to college. I just know he's a man and men are basically the same. And I wouldn't bring up any of that _desk colonel_ crap in front of him, either. That's just the kind of thing he doesn't need to hear."

"I know that, Nick. Jeez, give me a little credit. You know I didn't mean anything by it."

"Yeah, I know. And you know what else? I'm going back in there. If I stay out of the way they'll be too busy to chase me out, right?"

"I'm right behind you."

Gem saw them come in and rolled her eyes but that was all. Murray was flat on his back, his face and his gown covered in activated charcoal, and Gem was sliding an airway down his throat. It looked incredibly nasty but she gave them a tight smile and they were hopeful. A nurse snapped an Ambu-bag onto the airway and began to squeeze.

"Nick, Cody, do you want to help us?" she called. "We're about done here."

They exchanged a look and went to her hesitantly on the far side of the bed.

"What's going on?" Cody asked.

"We filled him with charcoal and pumped his stomach. Here, take the bag. Just give it a squeeze every five seconds. We're going to put him on a respirator for a few hours, just until he wakes up."

Cody squeezed the bag, unnerved by the moaning sound of air in the valves and overly aware that he was breathing for his friend.

"You don't seem too concerned," he said, almost accusingly.

"You think it's my fault, don't you?" she asked quietly.

"Isn't it?" Nick asked viciously. "Take off the restraints, let him keep the pills, he'll be fine. That _was_ you, wasn't it?"

"I know you're upset, I am, too, but Murray's going to be all right. I don't think this was a real suicide attempt."

"No?" Cody asked, anger flaring up at her easy tone. "Then why did he almost die?"

"We'll talk about it in a minute, after we get him cleaned up." Meaning she didn't want to discuss it in front of the nurses. They gathered up their equipment, threw away the trash and one started to change Murray's gown. "We'll take care of that," Gem said and the nurses were dismissed. Cody went on squeezing the bag, switching hands every few minutes.

"So?" Nick asked impatiently. "If it wasn't suicide what was it? Why'd he almost die?"

"I think he made a mistake."

"Well, no kidding, he made a mistake," Cody snapped.

"No, really. Yesterday, when you busted him, he had nineteen pills in the drawer. Based on what we've given him since he couldn't have added more than two or three and I don't think he did. I think he swallowed what we gave him. You two checked pretty thoroughly, didn't you?"

"I guess so," Nick said reluctantly. "So what's your point?"

"The first thing I did was check the drawer, to get an idea of how many he'd taken. There were fourteen left."

"Fourteen…" Cody said, unbelieving.

"So he didn't take more than five?"

"If that. He could have had some of them earlier. My point is, I think he was in pain and upset about a lot of things and he wanted to go to sleep quicker, maybe sleep longer, and he misjudged."

"So you're saying it doesn't mean anything?"

"No, Nick, I wouldn't say that. But it's not as bad as it could be. We'll have to talk to him and see. And, of course, he can't have the pills with him anymore."

"Thank God, she sees reason."

"That's right. You can keep them, Nick. I still think he needs some control but you can keep track and make sure he doesn't miscount again."

"It's an improvement," he said with a shrug. "Cody, do you want me to do that for a minute?"

"Sure. Every five seconds." Nick's hand slid under his and he let go, relieved to be off the hook.

"So does this mean he's not going home tomorrow?" Cody asked.

"I don't know yet. I'd say it's fifty/fifty."

Before they could ask why the door opened and the respiratory team came in. Gem guided Nick and Cody out of their way and they hooked up the machine with a minimum of fuss.

"Does he really need that?" Nick asked. It felt like such a huge step backward.

"For a little while. There's enough morphine still in his system to suppress his breathing, and I'd rather not take any chances. When he wakes up he'll be fine. But I want to keep him in restraints overnight, no matter what happens."

"That's fine by me," Cody sighed. "I don't want to be responsible anymore."

"You don't mean that, do you?" Gem asked kindly.

"Just for tonight. I'll be responsible again in the morning."

"Should I stay with him tonight, then?" Nick asked.

"I—I don't know. We should ask him, I guess. We'll both stay until he wakes up, okay?" Cody suggested. He thought by then he might be strong enough, if Murray wanted him.

"You couldn't make me leave."

"Good. Now that that's settled," Gem smiled, "do you boys want to clean him up or should we teach him a lesson?"

"Murray doesn't learn like that," Nick said at once. "I'll get the water and the washcloth, Cody, you get the clean gown."

Gem stood back and watched approvingly as they worked together, bathing the thin face and neck, taking off the wet gown and washing away the charcoal that had soaked through. They redressed him, covered him with clean blankets and, last of all, fastened his bony wrists to the bedrails.

"He's going to be okay," Gem said quietly. "He really is. I'm going to work late in my office tonight, so if you need anything I can be here in a minute. Don't hesitate to call, all right?"

"Yeah," Nick said. Cody was watching Murray's chest rise and fall and he didn't respond. Gem patted him on the shoulder on the way out but he didn't notice.

"You okay, man?"

"No. Nick, I almost missed it. If the TV had been a little louder, if I'd fallen asleep, he'd be dead."

"Yeah, I _was_ asleep. It doesn't feel very good, trust me."

"I bet it doesn't. It was such a little sound, like a sigh, and I only looked because I thought he was asleep. I looked up to make sure he was sleeping okay and he was dying."

"Cody, stop it. You saved his life. He made a noise, you checked it out and he didn't die. That's all that matters."

"Yeah, I guess. But it was so _close_."

"It's always close. We never notice when it isn't."

Cody laughed and Nick hugged him briefly.

"I think Gem's right," he went on. "If it was on purpose he'd be dead. He's not stupid, he'd have done it right."

"I guess so," Cody said again.

"I know so. You want some coffee? I'll go get it if you want to stay here and keep looking at him."

"Yeah, I think I do," he said, meaning both. It would be a long time before he took his eyes off the sleeping man.

***

Murray woke slowly, biting on the respirator tube, trying to raise his hands to find out what it was. But when he couldn't move his arms it startled him and he tried to jerk them free.

"Hey, hey, Murray," came a soft voice in the dark. "It's okay, Murray, hold still." Hands were on his shoulders, his wrists, someone was stroking his forehead. He was moaning, biting, desperate to speak.

"No, Murray," said another voice. "You're on a respirator, you can't talk. We'll get Gem and she'll take the tube out, okay? It'll just be a few minutes. Nick, hit the button."

A nurse came in and turned on the light. That seemed to help and Murray grew calmer. Cody put his glasses on him and he looked at them both, one and then the other. They couldn't read his expression, couldn't decipher the peculiar fear in his eyes. All they could do was stroke his trembling arms and promise that it would be okay soon.

The nurse went out and called Gem from her office. The doctor spoke softly, kindly, to him as she disconnected the vent and coached him through the tube extraction. The familiarity of it confused Murray and he would ask about that first.

"Shelly, would you get us some ice chips? You're thirsty, aren't you, Murray?"

He nodded, clearing his throat experimentally.

"Did it all happen?" he asked hoarsely. "Was I really awake before?"

"Did what happen?" Gem asked. He answered but he was only looking at his friends.

"I was on a respirator before and they took me off. I wasn't restrained, right? Quinlan was here, and the DA?"

"That's right," Nick said. "All that happened, and then you took a bunch of pills and stopped breathing."

"Oh." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I bet you guys are mad."

"No," Cody said, at the same time Nick said, "A little."

"Nick, not now," Cody hissed.

"It's okay. I'm sorry, guys. I'm really sorry." He stopped and swallowed hard.

"Murray, let's wait until you have some ice. You can always talk later."

He nodded, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.

"Don't cry," Cody said, touching his face lightly. "It's okay. You're okay, Murray. Do you understand?"

He nodded again but the tears didn't stop. The nurse brought a cup of ice chips and Cody fed them to him, one at a time, until he could speak again.

"You're mad at me, Nick?" was the first thing he said.

"Well, I'm a little upset. We took on a lot of responsibility letting you keep those pills and go without the restraints, and you kind of let us down. I'm not happy about that."

"I didn't mean to. You think I was trying to hurt myself but I wasn't. It was stupid and thoughtless and I know I'm supposed to know better but I was just trying to sleep. I really just wanted to go to sleep for a while. It was taking too long and I got the pills when you were out of the room and—and I just snuck one every few minutes until it seemed like they were working."

"It's that geeky impulsiveness we were telling you about," Cody said and Gem nodded.

"Yes, I thought so. I'm sorry, Murray. I thought you were past the point where that was likely to happen."

"It's not your fault. It just all kind of came down on me this afternoon. Can I have some more ice, Cody?"

"Yeah, sure." He slipped another piece of ice between Murray's lips and smiled faintly as Murray sucked his fingertips.

"After the DA left I just had such a terrible feeling of—of—letdown. I wanted so badly for it to be over and then suddenly it was and—and I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep."

"I'm sorry we didn't see that coming," Gem said. "You were doing so well."

"I still am," he said boldly. "I'm okay. A little tired, maybe, but I'll be fine in the morning. I still want to go home."

"Can he?" Cody asked at once.

"We'll see in the morning. I'm still fifty/fifty on it right now."

"No," Murray cried, trying to sit up. "No, it wasn't a suicide attempt, it was an accident. It won't happen again, I'll let the guys hold the pills. Or I'll stop taking them. Please."

"You can't stop yet, it would hurt too much. But if the guys want to be responsible—"

"We tried that," Nick said. "It didn't go so well."

"What are you talking about?" Cody snapped. "If he wants to go home, he goes home. I'll handle his medication if he needs me to; I'll carry it in my pockets."

"And if he tricks us again?"

"This is why I'm split," Gem told them. "I need you all to agree. Nick, if you aren't willing to take on the responsibility then it won't work."

"So it's all on me?"

"He didn't trick us, Nick," Cody said. "He made a _mistake_. How often have you had too much to drink and been hung over all the next day?"

"Plenty of times, but I didn't stop breathing. He almost died because we didn't watch him close enough and if we can't do it here, how the hell can we do it on the boat? What if he locks himself in the head or jumps overboard? Are we gonna tie him up there, too?"

"Nick, stop talking about me like I'm not here," Murray sighed. "Cody's right, it was a mistake. I wasn't thinking straight, I didn't mean to hurt myself. I wouldn't do it again. And if tying me up makes you feel better, go ahead and do it. Just do it at home."

"Yeah, Nick, it wouldn't be the first time."

Murray blushed and Gem laughed behind her hand.

"Don't make a decision tonight. We'll talk it over again in the morning and see where we are, okay?"

Murray and Cody agreed, their eyes pleading with Nick to stop arguing.

"All right, we'll see," he said reluctantly.

"Good. Murray, would you drink a milkshake if I asked you nicely? It'll make your throat feel a lot better."

"If it was chocolate," he said with a cautious smile.

"Good boy. I'll have the nurse bring you one."

"Guys, I really didn't mean anything by it," he said when she was gone. "I'm sorry I broke your trust and, Nick, I understand if you don't want me back. I just—"

"No," Nick interrupted sharply. "I never said I didn't want you back. I do. I just want you alive more. I can't lose you, man. I can't have you dying on my watch."

"I know. I can't promise I won't, people die, but if I do it won't be on purpose. I just want to go home."

"We don't have to decide tonight," Cody told him when he saw Nick wasn't going to answer. "He's just being stubborn anyway."

"It's okay. Cody, would you mind pushing my glasses up?"

He did, brushing Murray's hair back and kissing his forehead in almost the same gesture.

"Thanks," he said, blushing prettily. "Guys, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He didn't lower his eyes and he didn't cry to weaken the sincerity of his words. He was speaking from strength rather than weakness and even Nick believed him.

"Don't apologize," he said. "It's okay. We—we understand."

Murray didn't ask if that meant he'd changed his mind. He wasn't sure if Nick would say yes tonight, but if he wasn't pressed, he definitely would tomorrow. The nurse brought the milkshake and Cody held the glass for him to drink. Then he went to sleep. They kept the restraints on him and slept in shifts. Murray didn't wake again but someone was watching him every minute of the night.


	7. Earthquake

The next morning Murray was determined to be cheerful in spite of his vicious headache. He not only didn't complain, he pretended to enjoy being shaved by Cody and having Nick feed him his breakfast. He smiled and laughed like he used to, with all of his old transparency, and the one time he was really conning his friends was the one time they didn't suspect it.

When Gem came in she wasn't surprised to see him pretending to be in a good mood. He was doing it better than she'd expected, given the headache he must have, but he was a determined man. She'd learned that about him if nothing else.

"You're looked chipper this morning, Murray. Did you sleep all right?"

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm feeling much better today."

"That's good. How's your head?"

"Not bad. I have a little bit of a headache but it's okay."

"Is it? Let's have a look." She took off his glasses and flicked a penlight across his eyes. The reaction was extreme and made her smile a little. "You're in hell, aren't you?"

"Yes, ma'am. But I still want to go home."

"I'll get you something for your head and you can go in a couple of hours. Would that be okay?"

He looked at her in disbelief. Then his eyes, always searching, went to Nick's for approval.

"Sounds good," Nick said, swallowing his fears. "Is that okay with you, Cody?"

"Fine by me."

"Then I'll start the paperwork. I know you're going to be all right, Murray. I can always tell."

"I know. I won't let you down."

She gave him a shot of Demerol and he dozed until it was time to go. In fact, he wasn't entirely awake when they dressed him and later didn't really remember saying goodbye to Gem or the nurses. He almost couldn't believe he was going home. It had a dreamlike quality to it that he didn't try to break. It was a good dream and he hadn't one for a while.

"You awake, Boz? We're here," Cody said gently, cutting through the haze.

"Hmm? Oh, yes, I'm awake. But suddenly I don't feel very much like getting out of the car."

Cody looked around the pier in bewilderment. It was the same as always, the same as Murray must have expected. But then he saw how many people there were and how many of them seemed to be watching. Maybe they weren't but maybe they were. And Murray didn't know the difference, either.

"Come on, it'll be okay," Nick said bravely, climbing out of the back of the Jimmy. He opened Murray's door and helped him get out, stabilizing him until Cody came around. They headed for the gangway, Murray holding their arms and moving slowly but deliberately, trying not to attract attention. He felt terribly self conscious in his sweatpants, feeling like he was being seen in his pajamas. But they were the best thing for the healing skin on his legs. A few people waved and Cody waved back without inviting anyone over. They'd gone against tradition and the specific request of several friends in not telling anyone when Murray was coming home, just so they could get him under cover as quickly as possible. Only Dooley caught up to them and only after they got to the boat.

"Hey, Boz," he said happily. "I didn't know you were coming back today. We'da had a party if we'd known. How're you doing, man?"

"I'm okay, Dooley. I'm not really in the mood for a party, though. But thanks."

"Hey, that's okay. Say no more. Maybe I could come by later and hang out, you know, if you get lonely or something? You could show me some more of your righteous experiments."

"Yeah, we'll do that," Murray said, climbing painfully over the rail, with much help on both sides.

"Just not now, Dooley," Nick said, rather sternly. "He's got to rest for a while before he does any experimenting."

"Sure, I get it. I'll come by later anyway, check you out. I'm real glad you're home, Boz."

"Yeah, me too," he said and waved vaguely before stumbling through the door into the salon.

"Come on, Murray, you're going to bed," Cody said and lifted him off his feet. It hurt his ribs but it was the all at once, get it over with kind of pain, rather than the little at a time, make it last forever pain of getting down to the stern cabin on his own. When he was safely in bed he knew it was worth it.

"You're really going to hide my pills?" he asked Cody and got a smile in return.

"You bet. Nick and I will both have a couple in our pockets, all you have to do is ask. But we'll be checking with each other, so you can't ask us both."

"You've thought of everything. But it's okay, I'm not going to fight you. Just let me stay down here and I'll be happy forever."

"Until Dooley shows up," Nick said drily.

"You can take care of him. I'd just like to read for a while, if you don't mind."

"Sure. Can I bring you a book?" Cody asked and Murray told him where to find the one he wanted, a collection of Stephen King stories.

"Are you sure they won't give you nightmares?" Nick teased.

"I don't care about stories. They just help me relax, take my mind off real things. I'll probably have nightmares but they won't be about giant rats or alien eyeballs." He didn't say vampires because _One for the Road_ did give him nightmares.

Nick and Cody exchanged a look that made Murray blush a little. He would have nightmares no matter what he read and probably drive them crazy but they would forgive. Cody got the book and Murray settled down to read, Nick stretched out on the bed beside him, babysitting and pretending that he wasn't. He had a book of his own but he fell asleep after two pages. Murray smiled to himself and went on reading. It was so good to be home.

***

Murray was reading _The Mangler_ and pondering the properties of belladonna when he heard footsteps on deck. He wanted it to be Dooley but the tread was too heavy, the voice too low, and Cody too reluctant to welcome the visitor. Not that he wouldn't have been reluctant over Dooley but this was entirely different. Murray heard an argument overhead and coming closer, feet on the stairs and a scuffle in the passage. The only sentence he could make out was, "What am I gonna see if I do?" Then Quinlan was standing in the cabin, smirking through slit eyes.

"I might have known. Bozinsky, the DA sent me to update you on your deal."

Murray laid his book face down on his chest and cleared his throat. Nick was waking beside him, groggy and confused, and Murray nudged him with his elbow.

"Quinlan?" he yawned. "Am I having a nightmare?"

"Get lost, Ryder. I didn't come to see you."

"You're being awfully high handed on my boat," Cody said, an argument that hadn't worked on deck or in the salon and wasn't working here.

"You too, Allen. This doesn't concern you."

"It's okay guys," Murray said, pushing himself up on his pillows. "The sooner he gets what he wants, the sooner he leaves. Isn't that right, Lieutenant?"

"They told me you were smart." He smiled oddly at Murray and then turned dirty looks on his friends.

"We'll be up in the salon if you need us," Cody said, hesitantly.

"It's okay," Murray repeated, still calm. They guys left, unable to hide their conviction that it was a bad idea, and Quinlan closed the door.

"You don't have to do that. We don't have any secrets."

"No, I can see that. But I get a lot further without those two interrupting every five seconds."

"So we have something in common after all." Murray relaxed a little, adjusted his glasses and waited to hear what was coming.

"There's some gossip floating around that you tried to kill yourself yesterday," Quinlan said, getting right to the point. "The DA's wondering if he pushed you too hard, made you do something you didn't want to do."

"Aw, jeez, people are talking about that? It was nothing; it was a mistake with my medication. Seriously, would they have let me go the day after a suicide attempt?"

"You three do a lot of things no one would _let_ you, if they had a choice."

"Well, this wasn't one of them. I was upset about the DA but not because I didn't want the deal. The whole thing is—upsetting. I wish people would let it go."

"It's going to be old news soon. The deal was finalized today so you're part's over. That's what I came to tell you."

"Oh, thank you. That's good to know. But, why couldn't you say that in front of the guys, or even on the phone?"

"Because that's not how I do things. It's your personal business and you can tell them if you want."

"Oh. So tell me, if it's my personal business, why are people talking about what happened yesterday? How do they even know?"

"Some nurse at the hospital gave an interview to the local paper, all about what a difficult patient the famous Dr. Bozinsky is. Although according to her, it was Ryder and Allen making most of the trouble. The article appeared this morning."

"Jesus," Murray breathed, all the color vanishing from his face.

"She's been fired and the hospital's going to bring charges for violating confidentiality but that doesn't help you much, does it?"

"No," he said faintly. "What—how—how much did she tell?"

"You don't want to know. That's the other reason I came all the way down here when I have real work to be doing. I thought I'd give you a heads up so you could get out of town for a while."

"I—I have physical therapy, I shouldn't—fuck it. You're right, Lieutenant. I have to get out of here. Would you ask the guys to come in?"

"I'll tell them on my way out. Let me know where you go, in case something comes up. If you go to sea, which I'd recommend, by the way, check in with the coast guard so we know you're okay."

"Yeah, thanks," Murray said, still vague and distracted. Quinlan left without saying goodbye. He wanted this to be over almost as much as Murray did and not having to see any of the detectives until the stories died down and the memories faded would help him, too.

"Hey, Boz," Cody said, hurrying to the his side. He looked like Quinlan had hit him with a hammer and Nick wanted to go after the cop and demand an answer. Instead he followed Cody and crouched by the bed. "What happened? What did he want?"

"He says the deal's done so I don't have to worry about it. And there's an exposé in the paper that's so bad he thinks I ought to disappear until it blows over."

"The paper? Who'd do an exposé on you?" Nick asked, disbelieving.

"Some nurse looking to make an easy buck. So can we go? Maybe spend a week or so fishing, or just hiding out?"

"Well, sure," Cody said slowly. "I guess we can do that. We'll have to get some supplies. There's no food on board."

"I'll go to town and stock up," Nick offered. "We can take off in the morning. You guys make your lists and I'll go tonight." He wanted to see that paper and they both knew it.

"I hope that nurse gets strung up by her tongue," Cody muttered. "I wonder which one it was?"

"Probably that Shelly. She never liked me. But Quinlan says she's going to be charged so I'll probably find out. Nick, if you get me a piece of paper, I'll write my list. And don't forget my prescriptions."

"Got 'em right here."

Cody followed him back to the salon where they hunted for a notepad and engaged in a whispered conversation.

"You think everyone's seen it by now?" Cody asked sadly.

"Probably. I thought Dooley was acting a little too normal. And it would explain why more people aren't coming around to see him."

"You think our friends are going to shun him over this? That's not right."

"I think a lot of people aren't going to know how to act. And who knows what's in that article? It might not even be true. The first thing I'm going to do is get a copy and find out."

"Good idea. Here, I'll take him the notepad. You go down to the galley and make your own list."

Murray had his glasses off and was rubbing his eyes when Cody came in. He wasn't crying but his nose stung and he felt tears threatening. It would be good to get away.

"You okay, Boz?"

"Yeah. Yeah, Cody, I'm fine. I just wish it would be over soon."

"It will be. Quinlan wasn't too hard on you, was he?"

"No. He said he wanted to tell me in person, keep it private, but I think he just feels bad."

"Maybe," Cody said, doubtful. "Probably just wanted to see where you sleep. You know, for his little fantasies."

"Don't, it hurts too much to throw up. Oh, but he did tell me yesterday that everyone knows I'm a queer. He says people don't mind because we're _not too weird_."

"Not too weird, huh? From Ted, that's quite a compliment. Here, you want to write or should I?"

Murray smiled faintly and put his glasses on. His friends always knew when to drop a subject and how to distract his fears. It was one of the reasons he loved them so much.

***

"I want to see it, Nick," Murray said for the third time. He was sitting up in bed, refusing to lie down until he got his way. "It's about me, I have the right to know what they said."

"Babe, you know what they said. You were there, you don't have to read about it."

"But people are going to ask. I need to know what they're talking about."

"No, you don't," Cody said. He'd read it while Nick was stowing groceries.

"Then I _want_ to. And don't tell me I don't. You don't know what I want. Come on, guys, you can't take advantage of my incapacity like this. It's not right."

"Shit," Nick murmured, handing over the paper. There was no way to argue with that. Murray unfolded it and examined the front page. _Computer Scientist Murray Bozinsky Attempts Suicide After Vicious Sexual Assault_. Immediately under the headline was a crime scene photo, snagged from who knew what source, showing Murray in the basement being lifted onto a stretcher. He was covered to the waist but even in black and white his injuries were hideous.

"I thought the papers couldn't print victim's names when it was a sex crime." he whispered. "Isn't there a law about that?"

"It only applies to women," Cody said. "The law hasn't caught up with reality yet."

"So it's humiliating for women and not men? That's good to know," he said and went on reading. It was terrible. At some point he started crying and Nick got onto the bed behind him, holding the thin body between his thighs, against his chest. "Don't read over my shoulder," was all Murray said.

"I won't." Nick bowed his head against the bony shoulder as proof. When he felt Murray begin to tremble, he kissed the back of the slender neck and suggested again that he stop reading. "No, I'm almost done," was the choked reply. He went to the inside page where the story continued and found another picture of himself. This one was the photo from his state private investigator's license. He was smiling brightly and it was generally regarded as a flattering picture. But the words underneath it were still terrible.

"You're right, it's mostly true," he said, throwing the paper aside. "Except for the suicide part. And the gay part. I still deny that."

"Yeah?" Nick whispered, kissing his neck again.

"I'm only gay for you. Just like I'm only a slut for you. Otherwise I'd just be an uptight little geek, going to singles dances and getting shot down by pretty girls. Do you think it would help if I gave an interview myself? Or wrote a letter to the editor?"

"I wouldn't do that," Cody said. "I think this is a case of _least said, soonest mended_. Keeping it in the paper is just going to keep people talking."

"But all my friends think I tried to kill myself. What a terrible betrayal. No—no wonder no one's come to visit me."

"No, that's not it," Nick said, quickly. "We didn't tell anyone you were coming home. We didn't want you to be overwhelmed by people. I asked Dooley to keep it quiet and it looks like he's managed to, for a change. If you want to see anyone, we can give them a call."

"No. No, you're right. I just didn't think of it. I kind of thought maybe no one wanted to see me."

"People have been calling all day," Cody told him. "I turned off the ringer and let the machine pick up so it wouldn't bother you."

"Oh. Gee, thanks. Were there any calls I'd want to take?"

"I didn't think so. I have some messages for when you're feeling better. Just people who want to say hi and hear your voice for themselves."

"I'll worry about that later," he said, as they'd known he would. "Can we really go in the morning?"

"If we get some laundry done tonight. You up for it, Nick?"

"Both of us?"

"Just help me carry the baskets to the laundry room. Murray'll be okay, won't you, Boz?"

"I imagine so, since I can't get up." He smiled as if it were a joke and Nick agreed to go. They gathered up eleven days' worth of dirty laundry, kissed him goodbye, and went out. Murray kept smiling until they were gone, then wrapped his arms around himself and sobbed.

***

"Is it really okay to sleep with him?" Nick whispered as they folded clothes and put them away. "I don't want to hit him in the ribs or anything."

"Neither do I, but if we suggest anything else he's going to think we don't want him. I don't want to hurt him either way."

"Me either. Is there any way to talk about it without him thinking we're lying? You know how he always assumes the worst."

"Yeah, I don't know. He's trying to hide that's he's been crying, too, so it's not a good time. Maybe we ought to just try it and see what happens? If it hurts him too much he'll tell us."

"Probably in the middle of the night," Nick sighed.

"If he does, he does. We'll work something out."

"What if it hurts him and he doesn't tell us? What if he thinks it's worth it?"

"He's not stupid," Cody hissed, still whispering. "If he thinks it is, then it must be."

"But I still don't wanna do it. I can't even bring myself to hit him when he asks and I know that doesn't hurt."

"Yeah, you're missing out, too, because he tightens up real nice."

"I bet. But if we're crowding him in bed and I think it's hurting him, I'm gonna sleep on the floor. You and your conscience can please yourselves."

"I said we'll work it out. You can't just turn your back on him, even for his own good. He never understands that kind of thing."

"He understood when we didn't try to get into bed with him at the hospital."

"You're never wrong, are you, Nick?"

"He's not wrong," Murray said quietly. His friends spun around, blushing guiltily, pointing at each other with nothing to say. "Yes, I'm awake. And I know you don't want to sleep with me. I was hoping someone would come up with an idea."

"It's not that we don't want to, Murray. We just really don't want to hurt you." Cody's voice was pained, his eyes wide and sincere, and Murray smiled.

"I know," he said softly. "We'll come up with a plan, right? Maybe I could sleep on the floor."

"No," Nick said sharply. "What if we bring your old cot in and put it next to the bed? With a few more pillows it might be comfortable enough and one of us will be right beside you."

"Yeah, that's a good idea. I'm sure it'll be fine." His cot was miserable compared to this bed but he wanted to stay in their room. It never occurred to him that they would happily sleep on the floor and give him the bed. And it never occurred to them that he didn't know that.

***

Murray felt out of place in the old cot, cushioned with most of the pillows on the boat, covered with warm blankets. He felt lonely, like he had in the hospital bed, and also at home with the movement of the water and the creak of fine, old wood. Nick was on the outer edge of the bed, holding his hand, but it wasn't the same as being snuggled in between them where he belonged. Where it was warm and safe. It had been a long time since he'd felt on the outside of things on the boat and now, having been on the inside, he knew what he was missing.

The guys were snoring, Nick's hand was limp in his, but he felt like he'd never sleep again. It was close to midnight, three hours since his last pill, and his whole body ached. He tried to find a more comfortable position but it was hard enough to move without worrying about pushing the pillows off. He moved and Nick's hand withdrew sleepily. Utterly bereft, Murray wept alone in the dark.

A soft rustle made him hold his breath, cover his mouth with one hand and blink frantically against his tears. They mustn't know. Murray held perfectly still and the rustling stopped. He drew a deep, shuddering breath of relief and suddenly the bed moved beside him. Without his glasses he was blind but he could tell by the motion and the soft thud of feet that someone had gotten up. Cody, because he could still feel the warmth of Nick's body. Quiet feet padded around to his side and Cody knelt beside the cot.

"Murray, are you okay?"

"Yes, I—I'm fine," he said, choking just enough to give himself away. Cody's hand touched his forehead and found him warm and damp with sweat.

"Murray, what's wrong? Are you in pain?"

"It's not bad," he whispered. "Don't wake Nick."

"Hey, Nick, wake up," Cody said loudly and the other man started up. "There, now you don't have to worry about it."

"Cody, you shouldn't have," Murray groaned as Nick turned on the lamp and demanded to know what was going on.

"I woke up and heard him crying," Cody said, selling him out with no compunction. "He was trying to be brave and not wake you so I let him off the hook."

"Murray, I ought to lecture you all night long," Nick sighed. He lay down on his stomach, propped up on one elbow, and stroked the flushed face tenderly. "But I'd rather see you get some sleep. What do you need to make that happen?"

"I don't know." He put his hands over his eyes and tried to block out their concern.

"Yes, you do," Cody said. "You always do, and the sooner you tell, the sooner we can all go back to sleep. That is what you want, isn't it?"

"I—my—my chest hurts. And I started getting scared. Kind of lonely, in the dark. I know it's stupid, now that I'm home I shouldn't feel like that, and I didn't want to bother you."

"Murray, that's natural," Nick said gently. "In the hospital you have people looking after you every second and you don't have to worry about being taken care of. Normally we come home healed up and get back to our lives but you're going to be dependent for a while yet. It's natural to be scared of that, especially when everyone's asleep."

"Still, I'm sorry. If you just give me a couple pills I'll be able to sleep. It's not a big deal."

"If it's not a big deal, why didn't you wake us? Or at least Nick."

"I didn't want to bother you. You guys have hardly had any sleep since—since I came back. At midnight it seems like you're better off without me."

Nick's hand tightened, holding Murray's cheek in his palm, and Cody slipped away. There was a bottle of pills in his pants pocket, well out of Murray's reach, and he took two, leaving the bottle behind. It was at times like this that accidents might happen.

"Here, hon, take these," he whispered, pressing the round tablets to Murray's lips. The trembling man took them gratefully, sipping from the cup of water that followed. He made a mental note to thank whoever had thought to leave the cup there and then promptly forgot it.

"Thank you," Murray said softly, trying to settle back into his pillows. "I'll be all right now."

"Sure you will," Nick smiled. "But we'll stay awake a while longer anyway, if you don't mind."

"Yeah, I'm not even tired anymore," Cody agreed. "Tell us what else you need, Boz. What will make you feel less lonely?"

"You—you really don't have to do anything," he said. "I—I'm okay."

"Stop bullshitting us, Murray," Nick said, firm but gentle. "You're gonna be crying again in about two minutes and you know it. Those pills won't help, either. You know opiates just make you depressed."

"I—I'll get high in a little while and it'll be okay."

"Murray, do you not want us around?" Cody asked abruptly. "Are we touching you too much, prying too much into your head?"

"No, no. Well, the head part a little, maybe. I don't know. Everything just hurts so much, I don't know."

"What hurts?"

Nick gave him a look that told him to stop and Cody shook his head.

"Come on, Boz, what hurts? Is it your ribs, still?"

"Some," he confessed. "But it's under that, inside my ribcage, around my heart. I don't think it's all physical but the pills still help."

"So if it's not physical," Cody went on, "it must be emotional and there's got to be something we can do about it. Why won't you tell us?"

"Because I don't _know_," he cried, his voice breaking. "I feel so _lost_. How can you fix _that_?"

Cody met Nick's eyes over the trembling body and saw his own feelings reflected there. It was risky but there wasn't much else they could do. Anyway, it was worth a try. Nick lifted Murray's head in one hand and Cody slipped his arm behind the slender neck. It wasn't as if they hadn't been touching him for the last week but it was always with a purpose. Bathing and dressing and occasionally massaging, but only when he was in pain. Murray had said in the beginning that he'd had his fill of being touched and, even knowing that it was somewhere between a joke and a temporary fear, they'd tried to respect it. But Murray needed to be touched. He was like a cat that had to be petted and would seek people to rub against if its needs weren't met. Cody suspected that his mind had put that need aside but his heart remembered.

He got as close as he could, cradling Murray's head on his shoulder, kissing him softly. Murray stiffened, whining low in his throat even as he pressed closer.

"Nick, come help me," Cody whispered. He rose up on his knees, gathered Murray in his arms and lifted him off the cot. Nick understood and pushed it out of the way, then moved around behind Cody to help his stand up, quick and smooth. Murray was weeping silently, his face hidden against Cody's neck, and he tried to hold on when Cody laid him in the big bed. But that really did hurt and his friend kissed him again, soft and reassuring. Whatever those men had done to Murray, they hadn't kissed him first, so that was always safe.

"Calm down, angel," he whispered. "Everything's okay."

"It's not," Murray moaned, closing his eyes. "It's never going to be again."

"Murray, you've been saying that all along," Nick murmured, crawling into bed beside him, "but you keep getting better. Three days ago you didn't even want to come home. You'll keep getting better and one day it'll be okay."

Murray swallowed hard, feeling for a second all of the unpleasant things that had been down his throat lately, and tried to control his breathing.

"Turn off the light, Cody, please."

"Why, Boz?" he asked, already reaching for the switch.

"Because, if you're going to make me talk about it, I need it to be dark. You _are_ going to make me talk, aren't you?"

"We were going to strongly encourage it," Nick said. Murray had spoken very little about his time in captivity, only once to Gem and once to Cody. Nick had managed to be absent both times and was strongly divided in his soul about whether or not he regretted it. Cody had repeated to him the little that he knew, and that was in a way even worse, watching the stronger man weep and struggle for words.

But Murray didn't continue, even when the light was off and his face hidden in shadows. Nick stroked his throat lightly, feeling the muscles work, knowing Murray was fighting back sobs. His hand slid down to the prominent collarbones and over knobby shoulders. He stretched his arm across Murray's chest and gripped the narrow bicep. His hand nearly reached all the way around it. He felt a deep tremble, almost like a seizure, emanating from somewhere inside the skinny man. Murray's body was an earthquake, rocked by the shifting tectonic plates of his heart and soul, grinding together as some volcanic force struggled free.

Cody, kneeling by the bed, felt it and was afraid. There had been other tremblers, other outpourings of scorching steam and red hot lava, but they were surface pockets compared to this. Mt. St Helens next to Vesuvius. Even the first time he had cried promised to be a mere firecracker beside the explosion of grief that was building now.

Nick knew all of those things, too, even if he did remember St. Helens solely as an evacuation project and couldn't spell Vesuvius. He knew that volcanoes vented from time to time and that let off some of the pressure. He knew that Mt. St. Helens hadn't done it right and the side of the mountain had blown out, against all predictions and with great loss of life. He knew that sometimes things had to be vented before they blew themselves apart and though he was terrified, he went ahead and laid the explosives.

"I love you, Murray," he whispered, stroking up and down the spindly arm. "I'm always gonna love you, no matter what." Murray gasped back a sob and tried to swallow. Nick's hand traveled lightly across his chest, caressing the raised scars up and down and softly pinching his nipple. "No matter what. You know that, right?"

Murray nodded, unable to speak.

"Tell me, Boz. I can't see your face so you have to talk. If you don't, we'll have to turn the light on."

"Nick, what are you doing?"

"Hush, Cody. Murray and I are talking. Aren't we, Murray?"

"Y-Yes," he choked out, still feeling Nick's fingers on his nipple.

"And you know I love you?"

"Yes." His voice splintered and he gasped for breath, wishing he'd never started this. If only he hadn't cried, they never would have woken up.

"And Cody? You know that Cody loves you, no matter what?"

"Yes."

"Nick, stop it."

"Cody, you got something better in mind, I'm all ears. Otherwise, I love you, man, but shut up."

Murray made a choked sound that might have been a laugh and Cody gave up. He hated it, but he could see that Nick did, too, so it must be all right.

"You don't like being naked, do you, Boz?" Nick whispered, stroking down his side, past the burns and broken ribs to one small ticklish spot.

"N-No. It's cold and—and I'm ugly."

"You're beautiful," Cody said, feeling instinctively that it would fit in with the plan. Nick gave him an approving nod and just like that, they were back on the same page. "You've always been beautiful."

"You say that because you love me."

"It's still true. Murray, you're so beautiful—isn't he Nick?"

"Absolutely. Beautiful and sweet and sexy—just like always."

The trembling, steady until then, increased as the conflicting pressures grew. Nick's hand slid down his hip and back up to his stomach, feeling Murray's body go rigid, his back arching against Nick's gentle touch.

"Let it out," he whispered. "Go on, Murray, let it out. No one's going to hear, no one's going to judge you."

Murray choked and gasped, struggling against something so painful that he couldn't begin to process it. All of the hurts and evils of the last two weeks were come together, every hand he didn't want on his body, every word he didn't want in his ears, every thought he didn't want in his head, were present here in the hands and words of the people he loved most in the world. Nick's hand slipped down Murray's belly and found him firmly erect. He gripped the hard shaft and whispered again, _I love you_. Murray threw his head back and shrieked.

Cody clapped a hand over Murray's mouth, stifling the sound just a little as Nick went on squeezing and stoking, bleeding the shrieking man of his darkest fears. And it _was_ like being bled. Murray felt the same life-sucking drain that he had when he signed off on the DA's deal and gave up all hope of real redress for the crimes against himself. He couldn't even hear himself anymore. All he was aware of now was the crushing pain in his chest and the fearful pleasure of Nick's hand on his cock. They were almost the same thing.

Murray's long body arched sharply, and Cody wanted badly to hold him down. But he couldn't help thinking that any pressure on that spine would snap it, that such strength could only be overcome with killing force. Except that wasn't true. Nick was breaking his spirit with tenderness, and so could Cody break his body. He withdrew his hand and covered Murray's screaming mouth with his own. It took only a second for Murray's tongue to respond to his and a few seconds after that, the straining body collapsed. Cody overwhelmed him, holding his head in both hands and plundering his mouth until he no longer fought for breath.

Murray lay still, moaning low in this throat, where the knots that had choked him were finally breaking up. He wanted to respond to the hand in his groin but that was too much. The voices in his head mocked him, called him _faggot_ and _slut_, told him that he was a cheater and a betrayer, that he didn't deserve to be caressed with tenderness and love. To respond to the hand would be to respond to the voices, to offer himself to the ones who called him names and prove them right. Prove that he wanted what they'd done. But he didn't. He only wanted _this_. If only he could remember how to let his friends know.

Cody was still kissing him, his eyes open so Murray could see him watching when he chose to look. The kiss he could respond to, that was okay, but even when Nick leaned down and took Murray's cock in his mouth, all he could do was shake. Nick's teeth scraped him lightly, the way he'd always liked, his hand squeezed the tight sac, and Murray came suddenly, moaning as if in pain. Nick sucked him clean and pulled away as Cody broke the kiss. Murray looked fuzzily from one to the other, drew a deep shuddering breath and burst into tears.

Nick tried to hold him and Murray fought him off, hard enough to hurt himself and make Nick relent. He settled for covering them both with the blankets, which Murray clung to with childlike intensity. Cody moved closer, stroking Murray's sweating forehead, his eyes searching for Nick's in the thin light. _Is this better or worse_? his eyes asked and Nick's replied that he didn't know.

"Murray, was that wrong?" Nick asked softly. The sobbing man shook his head. "Was it good?"

"I—I came, didn't I?" he said but there was a tinge of bitterness in it.

"Murray, what did those guys do to you? Did they try to make you enjoy it?"

"No," he whispered, shaking his head. "No one could have enjoyed it. But they—they told each other that I did. They had ways of—of making me come. It hurt so much but it didn't leave any marks. They—they raped me and made me come and they _laughed_." He was crying harder now and allowed Nick to pull him close, burying his face in the hard shoulder. Slowly, with frequent pauses and many tears, he began to disgorge his secrets. The things that would have come out in court were laid bare instead in the small stern cabin of the _Riptide_, the happiest place he'd ever known.

Cody moved the cot back to its place by the bed and lay down on it, hugging Murray from the other side. That felt safe and the perversity in him made Murray try to break it. By the time he was finished he'd told them everything. Sucking strange dicks with a pistol jammed under the angle of his jaw, being fucked and not knowing by how many different people, his shoulders pinned by a length of iron pipe. The same pipe, he thought, that they held across his throat while they burned him. Only once did he fight that, forcing them to bear down on the pipe until he passed out. After that he submitted more easily, instinctively protecting his brain from asphyxiation, not questioning if he would still care about being brilliant when this was over. Now he wondered if he should have fought until they choked him to death and he said that, too. Then he stopped, the perverse imp waiting to see if it had succeeded.

"Murray," Nick said, his own voice broken and clogged with tears, "I'm so glad you survived."

"So am I," Cody said, softly kissing his temple. "We love you so much, Boz. No matter what."

"You—you can still be—attracted—to me? After all of that?"

"Yes, Murray. That's what we've been telling you all week," Nick smiled. "You're the one who's always going on about sex being a mental thing and we _love_ you. We're always gonna want you."

"But it _is_ mental," Murray said, not knowing why he was arguing. "Now that you know—doesn't it bother you? How can you look at me and not think how—how _dirty_ I am?"

"It doesn't work like that," Cody shrugged. "We don't see _that guy_. Maybe other people will, people who don't know you, but not us. We just see Murray and Murray's beautiful. He's sweet and sexy and totally hot, even when he's crying."

"Especially when he's crying," Nick said. "It makes us wanna comfort you."

"Blessed are those who mourn," Murray whispered, half laughing.

"That's right. Murray, you're gonna mourn this for a long time and that's okay. We're here to help you. We're _always_ gonna help you. Understand?"

"Yeah, Nick, I understand. But you're probably going to have to remind me again sometimes. Once a day, at least."

"Every hour, if that's what you need. And you can cry as much as you want, it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"But I am. When I cry, you know I'm thinking about it and then you think about it. Sometimes I really just want to do it alone."

"If that's what you need," Nick said gently. "But when you want us, we'll be there."

"I know. Thank you. And thank you for the honest orgasm. I didn't know I was ready for that but it was nice."

"I'm glad. Do you think you can sleep now?"

"If I can stay here between you. I guess that's something I need right now."

"It's hardly a sacrifice."

"Not for you," Cody laughed. "You haven't tried out this cot. Murray, how did you sleep on this thing for so long?"

"We'll trade off tomorrow," Nick promised. "Now don't complain or our _topolino_ will start feeling bad again."

"I wish you wouldn't call me that," Murray said sleepily.

"But it's cute," Cody protested. "Just like you."

Murray laughed a little and kissed him in forgiveness. He would never take away their fun, even if it was at his expense. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, smelling Old Spice and Canoe, feeling the morphine go to his head at last as the lethargy of orgasm spread through his limbs. It was the best he'd felt since he left the library however long ago and for the first time he didn't question what tomorrow would bring.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Something Missing (Quinlan Remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/268156) by [der_tanzer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/der_tanzer/pseuds/der_tanzer)




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